Saturday, February 28, 2009

I Only Cry When He's Gone...

The majority of time I cry and mourn is when Chris is at work. My devestation over the pain Chris goes through because our babies died kills me inside. No matter what anyone says I feel like I have this huge guilt, that I've put him through so much and caused him so much pain.

So if for no one else, I try and keep my crying away from Chris. When he see's me cry I see the sadness in his eyes and it makes me feel so low, so guilty. The days he is home from work I try my hardest not to think about everything, not to cry. I catch myself staring at the wall, or at the pictures of David, my mind just blank.

The days I'm home alone I always cry. I try and let it all out, but sometimes I feel like I'm just not crying enough. I need to let it all out, it still feels unreal.

As for the counseling, I found a foundation that does parent and child counseling and am going to be getting the info this week. I hope we qualify to go. I need help.

Friday, February 27, 2009

Missing Him...

I just miss David so much. How does a heart still beat when so much when so much of it is missing? How can a heart endure so much pain and still beat?

How can anyone want to just read about how sad and depressed I am forever? I still havent found counseling, working on that. Need it badly...

I miss you so much David, Mommy doesnt know how to go on without you. Or with the fact you will never grow up here with us. Or that I may never ever have another baby, even though you are the one I want. You weren't supposed to die baby boy, they said you would live.

Boo Bear...Mommy needs you to be here with me I need you baby boy....

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

David's Baby Book...

I am going to start David's baby book, and the one thing I really want to do is print out the guestbook from his web page. BUT...I would like to get more entries in it. I'm at #36 right now, and would love to get it to atleast 75-100. So please please so sign it if you haven't it would mean so much :)

Also I have a memorial page for David & Alyssa on MySpace, if you would like to add it and comment pictures there I would LOVE that too! I am really obsessed with all this right now, I think it is part of the grieving and I just want everyone to see how beautiful he was, and Alyssa was and let them know (I know they see it all from Heaven) that we are all still thinking of them.

There is also a video of David on MySpace!
or you can find it under the email

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

So Beautiful....

The nurses from Children's Mercy sent me these molds today. When they said they had done molds, I expected the ones where you press the hand in clay like you do in school. I totally broke down.

David's little finger can always hold mine, like he did in the hospital. That's the first thing I did, put my finger in it and was so happy it was the perfect fit I remembered.

I made the graphic...thought the quote was perfect.

I did break down terribly when I got these, but I will cherish them forever. I am going to get glass cases to put them in I don't know what I would do if something happened to them.

Thank you Lynn at Children's Mercy!

My Days...

I do manage to get the dishes done everyday. And maybe vacuum every other day. And once in awhile straighten up the living room. But most of the day I just want to stay in bed. I want to sleep the day away so I don't have to deal with anything.

I don't want to be awake, crying about my babies. I don't want to be awake thinking about how I may never ever be able to have my own biological child. I don't want to sit here and stare into space for hours just thinking about David. I think about Alyssa too, but our time with her was so much shorter. I replay every single moment with David, I get mad that I didn't tell the hospital to screw itself I was staying with my baby every minute, I didn't care about their time pass.

I am calling about counseling today. I feel like I am falling apart, loosing my mind. Like I'm going to have a total break down soon. I feel it...

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Happy 1st Birthday in Heaven Alyssa...


Dear Alyssa,

Mommy misses you so much. I promise not to make this post sad, because today is your day baby girl. You are a year old in Heaven! You tell your Grandpa to take you and your baby brother and have a big party with all the people up there who love you. And there are lots of them! Besure to invite the babies (your friends Nicholas, Sophia, and Alexander...and your cousin Jacob...and even your Uncle Leslie).

A year ago today I laid in a hospital bed, scared, praying with all my might that you wouldn't come on this day. I wanted you to wait a lil longer so you could grow big and strong. But God had other plans, and now I see he spared you of the pain and suffering of this world. He loved you so much he took you home to be with Him. I say this and I believe it, but today is a very hard day for Mommy so please angel watch over me.

I'll never forget when you were born and I heard you cry. It was my secret for months, before I told anyone I had heard you. I didn't want to share it, I didn't want anyone but me to know your precious lil cry. When the nurses handed you to me you were so small, I was so scared. I didn't know how to hold you and all I wanted to do was see your face. Of course, it was already obvious you looked just like Daddy!

You had the prettiest long fingers I had ever seen. I couldn't stop looking at them, stroking them, holding them. Even though you were small, just one pound, you were so beautiful. You were just too tiny. Everything about you was perfect to me and Daddy. Nadine loved you so much too, and misses you everyday.

We are having a celebration for you today. Just me, Daddy, and Nadine. I'm making you a Disney Princess cake and we have some decorations :) I love you with all my heart, with more love than I could ever imagine having for anyone. Please watch over you baby brother David, keep him close and always stay together.

Happy 1st Birthday Princess Alyssa...

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Nicholas & Sophia

I know this is late Michele, but I had to wish your beautiful babies in Heaven a Happy Birthday. I am also including a passage that was in their memorial mass.

My Lord, the baby is dead! Why, my Lord - dare I ask why? It will not hear the whisper of the wind or see the beauty of its parents' face-it will not see the beauty of Your creation or the flame of a sunrise. Why, my Lord?

Why, My child- do you ask 'why?' Well, I will you why. You see, the child lives. Instead of the wind he hears the sound of angels singing before My throne. Instead of the beauty that passes he sees everlasting Beauty-he see My face. He was created and lived a short time so the image of his parents imprinted on his face may stand before Me as their personal intercessor. He knows secrets of Heaven unknown to men on earth. He laughs with a special joy that only the innocent possess. My ways are not the ways of man. I create for My Kingdom and each creature for My joy and his parents' merits. He has never seen pain or sin. He has never felt hunger or pain. I breathed a soul into a seed, made it grow and called it forth.

I am humbled before you, my Lord, for questioning Your wisdom, goodness, and love. I Speak as a fool-forgive me. I acknowledge Your sovereign rights over life and death. I thank You for the life that began for so short a time to enjoy so long an Eternity.

-Mother M. Angelica

Thursday, February 19, 2009

I'm Back...

Yes I am back on my new Acer laptop. In case you don't know it's one of those cute little tiny ones but I love it! I was getting really depressed here all day long, all alone, no internet so my mom and Chris went in halfs and bought it for me. I love them so much!

Let me tell you the highlight of my day is getting the mail. Just something to look forward too, I don't care if it's bills it's just part of the day when I know it's halfway time for Chris to get home. The other day I was caught completly off guard. David's death certificate came in the mail. I lost it. I never recieved one with Alyssa, I have her birth certificate but I never got a death one.

I held the paper and cried for hours until Chris got home. I had also recieved a letter from the doctor who treated David in the hospital with some diagnoses. So I feel the need to share them with you. I feel you are all part of my family, everyone has loved David so much and I want to give you all some of the explanations we got.

Pulmonary Hypoplasia
Pulmonary hypoplasia is a developmental abnormality of the lung characterized by a decrease in the number of alveoli, cells, and airways, eventually resulting in decreased size and weight of the lungs. Although pulmonary hypoplasia is occasionally a primary condition, most cases are secondary to other abnormalities that prevent complete pulmonary development. Pulmonary hypoplasia is frequently associated with malformations of the cardiac, genitourinary, gastrointestinal, and musculoskeletal systems. Bronchopulmonary malformations are also associated with this disease.

Tetralogy of Fallot
Tetralogy of Fallot / TOF is a cardiac anomaly that refers to a combination of four related heart defects that commonly occur together. The four defects include:

Pulmonary stenosis (narrowing of the pulmonary valve and outflow tract or area below the valve, that creates an obstruction (blockage) of blood flow from the right ventricle to the pulmonary artery

Ventricular septal defect / VSD

Overriding aorta (the aortic valve is enlarged and appears to arise from both the left and right ventricles instead of the left ventricle as occurs in normal hearts)

Right ventricular hypertrophy (thickening of the muscular walls of the right ventricle, which occurs because the right ventricle is pumping at high pressure)

Skeletal Dysplasia
Fetal skeletal dysplasias are a complex group of developmental bone and cartilage disorders, which usually result from mutated genes. Symptoms can include abnormal growth of the limbs, absence of a limb, duplication of fingers or toes and many other deformities. There are over 175 different types of skeletal dysplasias.

Skeletal dysplasia occurs in approximately one in every 4,000 births. There are various modes of inheritance in the skeletal dysplasias. Some are sporadic (not inherited). Depending on the mode of inheritance, the chance of having another affected child is different. For example with an autosomal recessive inheritance, non-affected parents would have a 25 percent chance of having another affected child.

So my lil David had more problems than he could handle, but he fought as hard as he could. I pray one day we do get the chance to have a healthy baby, but at this time in my mind I am not considering it. I could never put my husband first off, and my family through loosing a 3rd baby. We will wait on genetics tests and then maybe in a couple years decide.

Also Alyssa's first birthday is going to be on Feb. 22nd. I don't know how I will get thtough it but I will. We bought Disney Princess decorations so I can make a cake, and we will celebrate with Nadine.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

No Computer...

Our computer is broken, and should be fixed next week. I will try and get to the library to blog some, I've got a lot on my chest I need to get off. I miss my blogging friends, bare with me and keep checking back!

Friday, February 6, 2009

So Strong...

I've had many people comment on how strong I must be. I need to clear this up. I'm not strong. I'm a mess. To be perfectly honest I fall apart the minute my Nadine goes to school and Chris goes to work. It hurts my heart even more to see the look on Chris' face when he see's me cry, my pain is his pain. I feel so guilty, I don't want anyone to hurt and I still feel like it's all my fault, no matter what anyone tells me.

I'm not strong, I'm just making it day to day.

I still feel in shock, we drove by the children's hospital and I almost expected to stop, that David is still there waiting for his mommy to come hold his finger. I'm not strong, I'm questioning everyone and everything. I am saying WHY MY BABY!?!?!?! Why my David? My sweet precious handsome boy who always held onto Mommy's finger when I got there.

The only thing I am thankful for is he didn't suffer. That he didn't lead the life they put out there for us full of pain in growing and treatments. But I would have dedicated every minute of my life to take care of him, to make sure he was okay.

So please don't assume I'm strong. I'm broken, torn apart, hurting more than anyone person should hurt. I will never be the same person I was before, it's not possible. I might laugh and smile at times, but inside my heart is forever crushed. I will never be the same again.

Also if you are a mother who has lost a child and blogs about it, please leave me a message so I can add you to my blog list and follow your journey as well. Thank you...

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Caving In...

My whole world is caving in around me. I've been working from home in the mornings since about August I think? Doing medical transcription proof reading, it's been a great job they worked with me during all my medical crisis, including my car accident and having David, and all his doctor's appointments. I took my job seriously and I loved it. Gave me the freedom to get Nadine ready in the morning, walk her to the bus stop, and do my work.

This morning I was fired. I made a mistake over the weekend on a file. But let me tell you it was an ACCIDENT, I didn't do it on purpose and I don't normally have mistakes, atleast no one has ever told me of them. I told her I was so sorry, I and what I just said to you all, that I take my job seriously and I have just had a lot on my mind.

She says to me "I've read the blog YOU sent me, and I see how you said you can't work anymore, so I have no faith in what you say anymore."

WHAT?!?!?! I read back and I think what she is referring to is when I said I couldn't work after the car accident, and I didn't for about 2 weeks. I never said I couldn't work anymore now.

What does she want to hear from me? Does she want me to blog about how I really feel getting up every morning and working? How I do it for my family because I have to, I have to try and make it seem like I'm okay, that I can deal with everyday normal things? That I probably made a mistake because I was crying over how I want to be with my baby? That it hurts me so bad inside to be without David that I've prayed and asked God why he didn't take me with my son? Does she want to hear that without having a job how worthless I now feel over one mistake, how I have so much anxiety even leaving the house I don't know how I will get a job to help support my family?

My world is caving in...and all I want is my son...

P.S. I will now have to moderate my comments, since someone not brave enough to leave a name is leaving me messages I don't really care to even read. But to all the people who have supported me, thank you, thank you!

Monday, February 2, 2009

The Flowers that Touched My Heart....

I can't explain to any of you what these flowers mean to me. David recieved a nice amount of flowers, they were all beautiful and wonderful...but these are the ones I kept coming back to and crying with.

These flowers were sent by someone who reads my blog. I told David that someone read about him and they sent him flowers! My heart was so touched, so overwhelmed with the love another woman who had also lost her babies, had reached out and shown me and my family. They have done more than just the flowers, they have reached into our lives and truly shown us they loved and cared for David.

Michele and Peter, you will forever be in my heart. I will carry Nicholas, Sophia, and Alexander along with Alyssa and David in my heart as well. I imagine them playing together in Heaven's playground. It breaks my heart to the core we have 5 babies that aren't with us, and I will always believe it's not fair and won't understand...but I will believe they are together.

Please visit Michele's blog, she is facing some anniversaries right now and needs all our love!

Also I hope you get your package soon, I hope you like my lil gift :)