Thursday, April 30, 2009

Kayla's Site...

PLEASE PLEASE pray for this little girl. Go to her page, leave comments, add her button to your blog!

Saturday, April 25, 2009


Kayla & her Mommy
Kayla & Courtney

This beautiful little girl is my niece's cousin. Long, complicated explanation, so just know she is family. Her name is Kayla and we've just found out she has cancer in her lungs and her leg. I don't know a lot right now, but I had to share her with you all so we can start praying for her!

Kayla and her mom Heather both need our prayers. I am going to be updating as I find out anything new, but from what I've heard right now they might have to amputate her leg :( Please pray that they don't have to do this, and that in this journey Kayla doesn't suffer and gets better. Please pray her beautiful Mommy is given the strength to get through everyday living. Please pray for a miracle, we know God is listening!

What is Ewing's sarcoma (ES)?

Ewing's sarcoma is a cancer that occurs primarily in the bone or soft tissue. Ewing's sarcoma can occur in any bone, but is most often found in the extremities and can involve muscle and the soft tissues around the tumor site. Ewing's sarcoma cells can also spread (metastasize) to other areas of the body including the bone marrow, lungs, kidneys, heart, adrenal gland, and other soft tissues.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Mommy in the hospital...

So as you may know, I am in the hospital. I am slowly getting better, still real sore in my abdomen though. I had ultrasounds and an MRI yesterday and nothing was found, just that my pancreas is still inflamed. The doctors think I might have had a small gallstone (even though my gallbladder was removed over a year ago) and that I passed it, causing the pancreatitis.

The plan now is to try and get me back to eating without hurting my pancreas anymore than it is. For now I am on an all liquid diet. Jello woohoo! I can't tell you how wonderful that little cup of jello looked to me after 3 days of no food, and 1 night of nothing at all.

I hate being in the hospital, and get anxious to leave of course. This time my heart is hurting for my baby girl Nadine. When Chris took her home the other night she layed in my spot on the bed and asked her dad, "Is Mommy going to die?" It broke my heart to hear that she is worried Mommy's gonna die. I know that to her, whenever Mommy goes in the hospital it is usually from being pregnant, and when I come home one of our babies has died.

I called her and told her Mommy was going to be ok, but I had to stay here until I get better. My poor baby, I feel so horrible she has been through so much in her little life, and that death is something she knows all too well. This morning she also had a hard time getting ready for school (Daddy was a little more than frustrated lol) and kept saying she just wanted her Mommy to come home.

So please say a prayer for Nadine, to help her understand that Mommy is coming home and I'm not leaving her. Thank you friends!

Thursday, April 23, 2009

I'm in the hospital :(

So on Wed night I started to feel sick. I just didn't feel right. I felt a tight, sick feeling in my lower chest/upper abdomen. I told Chris I didn't feel normal and went to bed early. I seemed to be fine and thought maybe I was getting a flu.

Yesterday when Chris got home we ate Quiznos, which I LOVE! Within a couple hours I was throwing up and in excruciating pain. I couldn't take it and Chris said we needed to go to the hospital. Of course I didn't want to go, but after crying for about an hour we went.

To make a long story short I had acute pancreatitis. I've found some info online to share with you so you can understand what it is if you woul like. I don't feel up to blogging at all, I'm living on ice chips and pain meds, great! Well no not really.

Nadine told Chris as they were getting ready to leave..."I told you not to bring Mommy I knew they were going to keep her here, why did you make her come?" My poor baby is so scared of me being in the hospital. So pray she is okay with Mommy being here to get better.

What Is Acute Pancreatitis?

An estimated 50,000 to 80,000 cases of acute pancreatitis occur in the United States each year. This disease occurs when the pancreas suddenly becomes inflamed and then gets better. Some patients have more than one attack but recover fully after each one. Most cases of acute pancreatitis are caused either by alcohol abuse or by gallstones. Other causes may be use of prescribed drugs, trauma or surgery to the abdomen, or abnormalities of the pancreas or intestine. In rare cases, the disease may result from infections, such as mumps. In about 15 percent of cases, the cause is unknown.

What Are the Symptoms of Acute Pancreatitis?

Acute pancreatitis usually begins with pain in the upper abdomen that may last for a few days. The pain is often severe. It may be constant pain, just in the abdomen, or it may reach to the back and other areas. The pain may be sudden and intense, or it may begin as a mild pain that is aggravated by eating and slowly grows worse. The abdomen may be swollen and very tender. Other symptoms may include nausea, vomiting, fever, and an increased pulse rate. The person often feels and looks very sick.

About 20 percent of cases are severe. The patient may become dehydrated and have low blood pressure. Sometimes the patient's heart, lungs, or kidneys fail. In the most severe cases, bleeding can occur in the pancreas, leading to shock and sometimes death.

How Is Acute Pancreatitis Diagnosed?

During acute attacks, high levels of amylase (a digestive enzyme formed in the pancreas) are found in the blood. Changes may also occur in blood levels of calcium, magnesium, sodium, potassium, and bicarbonate. Patients may have high amounts of sugar and lipids (fats) in their blood too. These changes help the doctor diagnose pancreatitis. After the pancreas recovers, blood levels of these substances usually return to normal.

What Is the Treatment for Acute Pancreatitis?

The treatment a patient receives depends on how bad the attack is. Unless complications occur, acute pancreatitis usually gets better on its own, so treatment is supportive in most cases. Usually the patient goes into the hospital. The doctor prescribes fluids by vein to restore blood volume. The kidneys and lungs may be treated to prevent failure of those organs. Other problems, such as cysts in the pancreas, may need treatment too.
Sometimes a patient cannot control vomiting and needs to have a tube through the nose to the stomach to remove fluid and air. In mild cases, the patient may not have food for 3 or 4 days but is given fluids and pain relievers by vein. An acute attack usually lasts only a few days, unless the ducts are blocked by gallstones. In severe cases, the patient may be fed through the veins for 3 to 6 weeks while the pancreas slowly heals.

Antibiotics may be given if signs of infection arise. Surgery may be needed if complications such as infection, cysts, or bleeding occur. Attacks caused by gallstones may require removal of the gallbladder or surgery of the bile duct. Surgery is sometimes needed for the doctor to be able to exclude other abdominal problems that can simulate pancreatitis or to treat acute pancreatitis. When there is severe injury with death of tissue, an operation may be done to remove the dead tissue.

After all signs of acute pancreatitis are gone, the doctor will determine the cause and try to prevent future attacks. In some patients the cause of the attack is clear, but in others further tests need to be done.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Headstone Proof...

I finally recieved the proof of David's headstone. It is so perfect, if you remember his prince matches Alyssa's princess.

On another note, Chris goes back to court on May 13th. Why??? Because they like stringing us along, we went all the way down there, had Nadine out of school...just to hear "Ok we will reset this to May 13th, see you then." UGH! I really don't understand. Someone asked if it was drinking related....NO! It was just a speeding ticket. I think this great state is running out of options on how to get more money out of it's citizens! I don't sound angry do I? Hahaha!

Sunday, April 19, 2009

2 or 10...

So I would normally not post about this, in my own fear of being judged or thought less of. When I think about it though it's just something thats happened, it's not a big deal.

We are heading down to where we used to live 2 hours away so Chris can go to court tomorrow. He got 2 speeding tickets and now the great state of Missouri has decided he needs "shock treatment." What does this mean? That he will have to spend 2 to 10 days in jail to "shock" him into not driving fast anymore. What confuses me is that these tickets are over a year old, and now they want to shock him when he hasn't recieved anymore tickets in a YEAR?

My anxiety is slowly creeping up. I don't think Chris realizes how much fear and anxiety I really have just even leaving the house, but let alone thinking of 10 nights of being without him is terrifying to me. I hate being alone at night anyways, and now I am just afraid of everything anyways. I am praying it is only 2 days, and Nadine and I will just stay at my oldest step daughters house until he gets out.

To a normal person, a normal wife...a couple days away from their husband could be something that happens frequently. A vacation away from each other, business out of town, tons of different reasons. But to me it is absolute torture. People think I am so strong, that I am dealing so truth I am constantly afraid, anxious, and scared of everything. Life itself scares me. Chris is what gets me through the day, and to seperate him from me for speeding tickets is just...stupid!

So please, please pray I make it through this. As trivial it may seem to some people, to me it's a matter of my sanity. I am taking my computer with me and I will let everyone know what goes on.

Friday, April 17, 2009

Wedding Anniversary...

Today is our one year wedding anniversary! I can't believe a year has gone by since we said our vows. Now, Chris and I have been together for the majority of nine years. I was pregnant with Alyssa when we decided to get married. It was all for you baby girl, Daddy and Mommy wanted to show you how much we loved each other. So today I thank you Alyssa, Mommy's baby girl...for bringing me and Daddy closer.

We had decided to get married when I was pregnant. I was planning the big wedding, had put a deposit on a location and everything. When Alyssa was born early our lives changed. We were devestated. I couldn't think of the big wedding without her, so much of it had been planned around us having a baby who would be about a month old at the time we said our vows.

So I sold our location to another couple and we were married at a chapel close to home. It was just us, Nadine, my brother and sister in law as witnesses, and my niece. It was a glass chapel in the woods, and the most beautiful scenery I had ever seen.

Even though I didn't get the big wedding I once dreamed of, I got the wedding my heart desired. Just me and my love in a ceremony that was personal, something we shared with just a few people. I will forever cherish those moments.

So today I think of all that I am blessed with by being Chris' wife. He truly is the love of my life, the best thing that has ever happened to me. He gave me the best gifts of bringing me Nadine...and by blessing me with having David and Alyssa for the time we did. I love you Christopher.

And to my precious children in Heaven, Mommy loves you and misses you everyday.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Please Watch!

I am asking all my blog readers to please please watch this video. So simple but so powerful. I just watched it and am crying my eyes out. There are no words to explain how it makes me feel to see other parent's going thru the pain Chris and I feel everyday.

I am challenging you all to donate to the March for Babies walk we are doing to honor David and Alyssa's memory. I don't care if it's a dollar or more, every penny counts. WE WANT ALL BABIES TO BE BORN HEALTHY AND NO PARENT TO GO THROUGH THE PAIN AND SUFFERING OF LOOSING A CHILD!

I will be sending everyone who donates any amount of money a special momento remembering my babies!!! Click the widget on the side or go to our page...

Constant Fear...

I don't know how to explain it other than I am in constant fear. I am scared during the day, at night, everytime of day. I don't know what I am afraid of or how to stop it. I don't even really like to leave the house. I don't think I've been to the grocery store in over a month. I do leave the house of course, but only when I find that I have to.

I have my anti-anxiety meds, but I don't think they help as much as I need. I haven't taken my anti depressants and I wonder would they stop this? I need to start looking for a job soon...but I'm scared! Scared of having to work with people..people who will actually talk to me.

I am scared of being so scared.

I am afraid of the future, and in constant grief over the past.

I miss my babies more than ever. Yesterday was 3 months since David was born. What a wonderful Easter it would have been with him in my arms on his 3 month birthday. I remember things getting a little more normal around this time after I lost Alyssa, but it seems I am getting worse as times goes on now. I feel like I am locked inside my head, scared...alone...and so sad. I miss my son more than my heart can handle, and my mind is not able to cope with any of this.

Friday, April 10, 2009

Genetic Testing Back...

First off I haven't posted in awhile because my best friends and their kids were here from CA for a week. It was so nice to have them here, but at the same time my heart ached. They had planned to come when I was pregnant, they were supposed to be here seeing David. That killed me on the inside, he should be here with us. He should have been in my arms...I wanted to be that proud Mommy showing off her son. My heart aches for him in the most terrible way.

I called the children's hospital day before yesterday to get the last of the genetic tests they performed when David was born. They were looking for a gene that causes hydrocephalus in boys, and it wasn't there! Also all the other tests they ran don't show any cause of genetic issues.

This means that with the testing they can do, nothing genetic shows. Is it possible that it was genetic? Yes...but we won't know for sure. Is it possible that it was just something that happened? Yes...but we will never know. I was told that if I choose to get pregnant again to start taking folic acid before I concieve, and to make sure that from 18 weeks on I have frequent ultrasounds to monitor for any abnormalities.

Chris is thrilled we can have another baby. I am scared, unsure, and still grieving for the baby I desperatley want to be in my arms. We are going to wait a few months atleast to decide. I want to give my husband the baby he so wants, and I want to...but I am scared of letting everyone down a 3rd time...of having a baby who suffers or is in pain in any way. I'm so confused, so hurt, so sad.