Monday, November 30, 2009

Christmas is CANCELLED!

Yes my dear readers, I am officially cancelling Christmas in our house. What is Christmas without your kids? What is a house without your family in it to celebrate with? Let me explain to you the 3 ways I am missing my kids ALREADY for Christmas.

Reason #1: Nadine will most likely be in California again this Christmas. Even though her biological "mother" (I use that word lightly) hasn't called her since July (when she was arrestted with Nadine in the car on her first day of summer court ordered visit)...we have very little legally we can do on our own. We have been advised a court date would be months away, and even then the courts don't like to terminate mother's rights EVEN IF THEY AREN'T INVOLVED. As long as she makes the effort to see her on the 3 scheduled times a year, she is a fit parent. Does anyone think of the mental well being of my daughter? That maybe someone who isn't actively involved doesn't deserve to have visitations?

Reason #2: My step-daughter and her boyfriend decided they don't want to bring the grandbaby to spend Christmas with us this year. Even though we have been down there 10+ times this year (2 hours away) and they have only been here last Christmas. We are hurt and disapointed, we want to be with our kids. Chris works day before and after so we can't leave town. I sure will miss my lil butterball grandson chasing me around saying "Nah-Nah!!!" how I love to hear him call me Nana :)

Reason #3: Alyssa and David will spend Christmas in Heaven together. I miss them so much, and this would be David's 1st Christmas. I planned this Christmas out last year as I sat here, on this same couch, pregnant...feeling my baby move inside me as excited as I was.

How I will miss all of my kid's this holiday. How I will miss all my family. Chris and I will spend the holiday alone, together. I can't help but be sad and emotional.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Thankful for what HE has given us

First and foremost I am thankful for the precious time we spent with Alyssa and David. Thankful we were able to hold them close to us, feel their heartbeats against ours. Thankful we were there for every single breathe that Alyssa ever took in this world. Thankful we had 4 days with David, to talk to him, kiss him, and love him.
And second I am thankful for this....

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Blog Button Exchange?

I LOVE my new layout thanks to my great friend Sarah!

I have been wanting a blog button for SOOO long and now I have one! Anyone who would like to add it to their page, and me add yours to mine please leave me a comment.

As for me, I am having a good day so far :) Feeling more positive and less sad the last 2 days. I'm pregnant what should I expect anything less than an emotional roller coaster?

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Nervous Breakdown? Soon I'm Sure...

I am on the brink of a nervous breakdown. I just know it. I don't know how to deal with anything anymore. I am so angry, mad, scared all in one. I don't even know how to let the happy show.

I take everything out on people around me and I don't know how to let them know that I'm scared I'm going to loose it. I don't know how to handle daily life. I have panic attacks and anxiety leaving the house or being in the car.

I should be thrilled. I am attached to this baby, I love it more than words can describe. But I am so scared to get attached....and then be let down. Chris says I can't think like that but I CAN'T HELP IT!!! No one understands unless you've been through it.

I am trying to deal with all the emotions. It makes me so sad that one of the most precious, wonderful blessings is growing inside me, and all I can do is be angry and scared. I am so emotional, and tonight is horrible. I want to just leave and let everyone be free of me being so weird.

Pray with me.

Do you have a RAINBOW baby?

As you can see, I am letting myself re-do my blog with the theme of rainbows. As any babyloss mama know's, it's hard to be positive all the time when you are waiting to make sure your precious lil baby is okay. I have till Nov. 25th to get my ultrasound and see the doctor. Pray I mentally make it through!

Many more changes will come to the page and I'm excited!

I want to make a blog list of all "Rainbow baby mamas" so if you want to be on here please leave me the link to your blog!

As a small update I did go to the doctor's office just for diabetic training (believe me I don't need to be trained how to be diabetic, I've got that down lol) and got all my insulin prescriptions. I've been back on the insulin over a week but still feel like crap as my sugars come down from the 200-300 range. As soon as I am pregnant my sugars jump outta control! But it's coming around :)

Sunday, November 8, 2009


I'm numb. I'm scared. I'm desperate to pick baby names so this baby is named, no matter when it chooses to enter this world.

I am not ready for the negativity from certain family and friends. They don't understand why we would try again, why we would let it happen again...they just don't understand. I don't want to cloud my pregnancy with negativity from anyone.

This baby is a blessing. My miracle. I know this for sure. I am numb to all the emotions of finding out you are pregnant because I am so scared. I don't know how to feel, how to think, how to even go through the emotions of what is going on.

I pray for this pregnancy to go smoothly. Pray with me.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

They Fired Me...

First off I have been working through a staffing agency for this company over 6months. I have been told more than once I'm the top person on my supervisor's team. I have never been written up or in any kinda trouble.

I tell the HR Manager yesterday I'm pregnant and need to see the high risk doc, that I will work around my schedule and work with my supervisor if I need to leave early, come in late, etc.

Today I got a call half hour before work. I am no longer needed. You cannot tell me I wasn't fired because I'm pregnant. There is no other reason. And because I was still through the agency they can do anything they want.

I am devestated. We can't afford to even miss one check and now here I am stressing about being pregnant, praying everything goes ok...and now I don't have a job.

I am so depressed. I know it's not good, but what else can I be?