Angel Mommy Guest Bloggers!

So I was thinking last night how fun would it be to do an "Angel Mommy Guest Blogger" event. Here is how it will work!

 

What: Angel Mommy Guest Blogger

 

Where: Here on my blog!

 

When: Now!

 

Who: Angel Mommies

 

Requirements to be a guest blogger: Must be an angel mommy, must be willing to blog about how my story has touched you, and introduce yourself and your angel to my readers!

 

How it works: email me and I will send you the direct email address to post something on my blog!

 

I really really want to connect other mom's together who have lost babies. I think this would be great! You can blog about your story, and how my story and my angels have affected you!

 

If you are interested please email me at david.alyssa@hotmail.com

 

Nadine & California...

So as most of you know, my daughter Nadine has to go to California to visit her "egg donor" (now known as ED from now on) a couple times a year. It's hard on us because we know how ED is, and she has never tried to be involved in Nadine's life. In fact before she bought the plane ticket we hadn't heard from her in over a month. I just don't understand how a person who does nothing for the child, doesn't call or keep in touch, has never even sent a birthday card...gets to have unsupervised visits.

Nadine left last Saturday morning to CA. We were sad, worried about how she was going to be taken care of, and nervous as we have been the other times. They called us as soon as her plane landed and we talked to her and everything was fine. ED sent me a picture message of Nadine and her sister that night and then we didn't hear from her again. We called Saturday night, all day Sunday and Monday, and heard nothing back from her.

I just had a feeling and looked up the jail info and found out ED was in jail. She had been arrested the night Nadine got there and no one had called us. I called ED's mom and told her we knew ED was in jail and where was our baby. She had been left with ED's boyfriend and her sisters, and he had let them stay with neighbors. I was soooo upset! Why didn't they call us? Why was she allowed to stay with strangers????

My mother in law picked her up and Nadine is now visiting with family. She is safe, which is all that matters to me. She is getting to see her brother and sister who live out there, and has visited her cousins too. She is happy and having fun!

ED is on a 30 day hold waiting for extradition to MO. She had a felony warrant from when she lived out here. So we are praying this helps our child custody case, to have the court order changed to supervised visits in MO, no more going to CA. Pray for us! The whole situation is just sad, I'm glad Nadine isn't attached enough to ED to be sad about this, or for it to be causing her problems. She is just as happy to be with Grandma :)

Other than that I am just tired from working. It's been awhile for me...and of course still missing my babies every minute of every day!

update....Chris and I have been together 10 years...but were seperated for about 3...it was in that time Nadine was born, but her "egg donor" left when she was 6 months old and Chris was raising her when we got back together, I've raised her since she was a year and a half old...and yes Nadine was with ED when she was pulled over and arrested but thankfully has really hadn't even had an issue over it...

I Don't Want To Be...

I don't want to be the expert on babies dying.

I don't want to be ONE OF THEM.

I don't want to be the mom that is called in the middle of the night to be asked about going into labor premature. I don't want to be the woman who know's all the answers to give about premature babies, and babies born with birth defects.

I don't want to be the person who know's how much pain a family will be in those first couple days, months, and even years.

I never realized how many babies died, how the dream of a healthy pregnancy can be shattered in an instant. I never realized how widespread the effects of miscarriage and pregnancy loss really is.

I don't want to be one of the mommy's who is crying for her babies.

I don't want to be without my babies.

I don't want to be blogging about my don't want to be's...

So Tired...

I am so tired everyday when I come home from work. I'm not used to a day without naps. Pretty sad for a 30 year old lol...but I am glad to be working!

I will try to post more, I'm gonna figure out how I can email my posts, and then I can do it on my free time at work. SHHHH don't tell anyone! Actually I work really hard, and it's rare I have down time so I deserve to blog a little. I've already had two supervisors tell me that I'm doing great and they are glad I'm working so good :)

Today I did leave a couple hours early. My dear sweet friend Karin called to tell me that her fiancee (and father of her son) died yesterday. I was stunned. I was so upset hearing her cry, that I just cried with her. I know the pain of loosing a significant other must be horrible. I can imagine there are a lot of the same emotions as loosing a child, but it's a different type of grieving. Please please keep Karin and her son in your prayers.

His Toes...

His toes were just like Mommy's.

As I was riding in the car with Chris yesterday I started thinking of David's chubby little toes. They were just like mine, he had the gab between the big toe and the next one that I've been teased about by my husband...and some others.

I was once told I had monkey toes. Haha, I don't know if that was meant to be mean which I'm hoping it wasn't. It was funny, and since I was told that I giggle at the thought. Is there not suppossed to be a gap between your big toe and the others? The people I know claim there isn't! And well when I look at others toes I realize they aren't all the same.

David had chubby toes with a gap. Just like Mommy.

And it hurts that I will never kiss those toes. I will never tickle those toes. I will never rub those feet. I will never see those toes grow into the toes of a toddler, or the toes of a man. I miss those toes so much it brings me to tears.

On another note, I've started working. I was very nervous being around new people but I made it through the week! I'm a loan officer for a pay day internet loan company. It's pretty easy, and keeps me busy. Plus we needed the extra income. So if I'm not commenting a lot, or not posting as much as I should, please know I am still reading everyone's blogs, I'm just in the background for awhile!

Never be the same...

I've lived in Kansas City for 6 months now. We moved her for the sole purpose of being near the children's hospital for David. We don't know anyone, a few neighbors, and of course Chris has made friends at work.

Have I made friends? No. There are a million reasons. I don't like leaving the house, I've been very unsociable, I'm not the same person I was before. I don't even know if I am in the place to make new friends. The thought of getting to know a person who know's nothing about me, about my journey...scares me.

Any case, I met a girl down the street who is from CA like us and I was really excited! We had set up a pool for Nadine and invited her two small girls to swim. It was nice, sitting outside watching the girls splash and play. I was so happy that Nadine had someone to play with for once.

We talked, exchanged our backgrounds about living in CA and the difference living here. It was just nice. Then it happened.

"You are so lucky to just have one little girl." I smiled and told myself it was okay, she didn't know.

"She's the only one we have here, we would love our other children to be here too." I answered. I never know how to answer about David and Alyssa. I will NEVER deny them, but I am also don't want anyone who I don't really know, knowing about them. I don't want them to feel bad, or to feel sorry for me. I also don't want to keep my children a secret. Finding the right way, the right time is crucial for me when I meet new people.

I am afraid telling someone I have lost two children right from the start makes people step back. Maybe they think it's contatious? That they couldn't conceieve it ever happening to them, so they back off to ensure it doesn't. Now, not all people are the same.

"You just don't know how lucky you are not to have two small children. I can tell you it's nothing you would want to deal with!" she told me laughing.

Those two sentences made me realize I wasn't ready. I'm not ready to get to know someone, to open up and share. She has no idea what those words meant to me. I would give up everything I have...to have my two small children here with me. There is nothing more I want, or ever will want. There is nothing else I cry over. There is nothing else that hurts as bad as not having my children with me.

It wasn't her fault at all. She seems nice, and I will be more than willing to chat while the girls play or swim. But I can't start a friendship yet. I'm not ready. I don't know if I will ever be ready to be friends with someone who doesn't understand me, who hasn't lost a child. It was a very sad discovery for me. Just another way life will never be the same again.

P.S. I have the pen pals matched up, and will be sending emails tomorrow. If you would like to be a snail mail pen pal with another angel mommy please read down a little on my page and send me a email with your info!

Fear...

I have so much fear in my life. It's like I am constantly anxious, or scared about something. I don't even like leaving the house that much unless I am with Chris and I know where we are going. I am suppossed to be looking for a job next week and I'm terrified!

I'm suppossed to be getting ready to take Nadine to this beautiful fountain not too far away. She is such a little ham and wants to take pictures constantly, and this is the perfect back drop. But I don't know if I can do it. I get so anxious, so nervous to leave. I don't have any real fears of something going wrong, or bad things happening...I just can't do it. And I'm so sad because she wants to go so bad, but Mommy feels like I'm loosing my mind.

I think about getting pregnant again. I want a baby in my arms with me so bad right now. I want David and Alyssa. I want to try again, but I am so terrified of loosing another baby. The doctor told me not to worry, "Next time will be different." But how do I know? I had such faith David would live, that he would come home with me...and he didn't.

I just don't know how to do it all.

P.S. If you want to be an angel mommy pen pal please read the previous post, I hope to have more people sign up! Please send your info!