What do you do when you don't know yourself anymore?

I know with all my heart that I love my husband, and he is the one meant for me.

 

I know I love Nadine more than words could ever say, she is my daughter no matter who she was born to. I am her mommy and that's all that counts. I know she loves me as much as I love her.

 

I don't know who I am anymore though. I don't know what I like, what I want, who I am supposed to be.

 

I am supposed to be at home with my babies. I am supposed to be changing diapers, making bottles, and cuddling with my kids.

 

I am not supposed to be like this.  Crying and sadness weren't supposed to be my whole life. This isn't fair and it's not the way it was supposed to be.

 

Nadine said to me "Mommy we would still live in our nice house if David wasn't sick." It broke my heart. All I could think of was my pretty 3 bedroom house, and how David was supposed to be sleeping in his own room, how cute I would have decorated it.

 

But nothing is going to be the same, nothing is going to heal this pain I have.

 

I don't know what to do anymore, who I am.

Memorial Service at Hospital

We went to a memorial service for Children's Mercy Hospital where David was at. It was so sad seeing all of the families who have lost children over the years. Some older, lots of babies, and some in between. They did a very nice slideshow and showed all the children's pictures including David's.

 

To say the least it was very emotional for Chris and I. We are still in such deep mourning over both our babies, I really don't know how either one of us has survived this. 

 

At the end of the ceremony everyone went outside to do a butterfly release. Me, Chris, and Nadine all had butterflies in little white boxes and were told to shout our children's names as we released the butterflies. Nadine loved it, and cried out "David!!!" as her butterfly flew away.

 

My butterfly was dead.

 

I was devestated.

 

How fitting right...dead butterfly...it's just not fair...

Write a book?

I'm thinking of writing a book. I've been thinking of it for awhile, and it will be a long process. I've been blogging since the day I found out I was pregnant with David. I want to write the book with all my entries, and with additional thoughts and writings in between, as well as pictures.

 

I am thinking of doing this on my own, selling it only on my blog for just what it costs me to get it printed and mail out. Kinko's will print and bind anything, that's probably how I would do it.

 

Now I need to know, how many people think they would want to read my story from the very first day?

 

Are there any other baby loss mama's out there who would like to be included in the book? Would you like to write chapters to be included in the book?

 

Give me any ideas you have!

 

I think a book of stories of other women who have gone through loss would be a great idea to give to new mother's in our circle, a way for them to see there are other people who understand.

Counseling?

I found a local organization that does free counseling, groups, and other services FREE for families with children who have lost a loved one. I talked to a woman yesterday who explained the programs and I was so excited.

 

Kids are put into groups according to age and get to share about their losses. She said it really helps the kids to know that there are other people who have lost loved one's as well. Nadine needs this, I feel horrible hearing her talk about "her babies." The love she has for her baby sister and brother is so strong! She is very easily upset when she thinks anyone might have said something about them that wasn't nice. She was teased at school for having a dead baby brother :(

 

I need the counseling as well. I don't think I'm going to go to individual, but to the groups with other parents. I would really like to meet other families and make friends. For us to have someone here in person to relate to, and kids for Nadine to socialize with.

 

I am waiting on the staff therapist to call and set up an intake appointment. I hope it works out and that this is something that helps us.

 

Has anyone else gone to counseling or groups? Or taken their children? I think after loosing Alyssa we were given so much hope with a new baby. We never would forget her, but there was some healing in having another baby. And when David passed when we thought he was going to make it...it really hit us harder than ever.

 

I'm blogging from work SHHHHH! I'm going to end this for now but I would love to hear feedback from anyone!

Quote...

"They say that time in heaven is compared to 'the blink of an eye'
for us on this earth. Sometimes it helps me to think of my child
running ahead of me through a beautiful field of wildflowers and
butterflies; so happy and completely caught up in what she is
doing that when she looks behind her, I'll already be there."

My Husband...

I didn't know until this morning that my husband reads my blog! I was suprised, shocked, and happy. Sometimes a lot of what I blog about is stuff I can't talk about in real life. As vocal as I am in my blog about my feelings, when it comes to actually speaking them to another person...

I tend to keep it inside. When the words come out of my mouth so do the tears.

 

So I just wanted to let you know how much I love you Christopher. You are my heart, my soul, my everything. Without you in my life I don't know where I would be without you. In all honesty if we hadn't got back together when we did I would probably be lost in the world with no one. You are the only man I've ever loved, the only one I will ever love other than our son.

 

I couldn't have made it through loosing Alyssa without you. I couldn't have made it through loosing David without you. I couldn't have made it through any of our hard times without you. You are my strength, my rock, my everything.

 

I am so sorry that we have had to go through everything we have. I am so sorry that you have had to deal with loosing our babies. I feel so guilty for all the pain you have gone through because of me. The last thing in the world I ever want is you to be hurt or sad. I love you Daddy.

 

You are the only man I would ever want to be the father of my children. You make me so proud.

Time to share David's video...

Our Precious Son Video by ~!DaViD & aLySSa!~ - MySpace Video

Shared via AddThis

I will never ever forget the sound of the breathing machine.

I don't know how to share the video any other way. I hope you all take the time to view the link, and see just how precious David really was. I miss him so much, every day, every minute.

I sat down and looked through the disc of David's pictures and was amazed at how many of them I didn't even realize I had. I guess I'm just to the point I'm out of the fog in my head.

I hope to blog more later. I'm just here remembering David. My sweet baby boy.