I Only Cry When He's Gone...

The majority of time I cry and mourn is when Chris is at work. My devestation over the pain Chris goes through because our babies died kills me inside. No matter what anyone says I feel like I have this huge guilt, that I've put him through so much and caused him so much pain.

So if for no one else, I try and keep my crying away from Chris. When he see's me cry I see the sadness in his eyes and it makes me feel so low, so guilty. The days he is home from work I try my hardest not to think about everything, not to cry. I catch myself staring at the wall, or at the pictures of David, my mind just blank.

The days I'm home alone I always cry. I try and let it all out, but sometimes I feel like I'm just not crying enough. I need to let it all out, it still feels unreal.

As for the counseling, I found a foundation that does parent and child counseling and am going to be getting the info this week. I hope we qualify to go. I need help.

Missing Him...

I just miss David so much. How does a heart still beat when so much when so much of it is missing? How can a heart endure so much pain and still beat?

How can anyone want to just read about how sad and depressed I am forever? I still havent found counseling, working on that. Need it badly...

I miss you so much David, Mommy doesnt know how to go on without you. Or with the fact you will never grow up here with us. Or that I may never ever have another baby, even though you are the one I want. You weren't supposed to die baby boy, they said you would live.

Boo Bear...Mommy needs you to be here with me I need you baby boy....

David's Baby Book...

I am going to start David's baby book, and the one thing I really want to do is print out the guestbook from his web page. BUT...I would like to get more entries in it. I'm at #36 right now, and would love to get it to atleast 75-100. So please please so sign it if you haven't it would mean so much :)

davidjameswood.com

Also I have a memorial page for David & Alyssa on MySpace, if you would like to add it and comment pictures there I would LOVE that too! I am really obsessed with all this right now, I think it is part of the grieving and I just want everyone to see how beautiful he was, and Alyssa was and let them know (I know they see it all from Heaven) that we are all still thinking of them.

There is also a video of David on MySpace!

http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=454183325
or you can find it under the email davidalyssamemorial@yahoo.com

So Beautiful....

The nurses from Children's Mercy sent me these molds today. When they said they had done molds, I expected the ones where you press the hand in clay like you do in school. I totally broke down.

David's little finger can always hold mine, like he did in the hospital. That's the first thing I did, put my finger in it and was so happy it was the perfect fit I remembered.

I made the graphic...thought the quote was perfect.

I did break down terribly when I got these, but I will cherish them forever. I am going to get glass cases to put them in I don't know what I would do if something happened to them.

Thank you Lynn at Children's Mercy!

My Days...

I do manage to get the dishes done everyday. And maybe vacuum every other day. And once in awhile straighten up the living room. But most of the day I just want to stay in bed. I want to sleep the day away so I don't have to deal with anything.

I don't want to be awake, crying about my babies. I don't want to be awake thinking about how I may never ever be able to have my own biological child. I don't want to sit here and stare into space for hours just thinking about David. I think about Alyssa too, but our time with her was so much shorter. I replay every single moment with David, I get mad that I didn't tell the hospital to screw itself I was staying with my baby every minute, I didn't care about their time pass.

I am calling about counseling today. I feel like I am falling apart, loosing my mind. Like I'm going to have a total break down soon. I feel it...

Happy 1st Birthday in Heaven Alyssa...

HAPPY 1ST BIRTHDAY IN HEAVEN BABY GIRL

Dear Alyssa,

Mommy misses you so much. I promise not to make this post sad, because today is your day baby girl. You are a year old in Heaven! You tell your Grandpa to take you and your baby brother and have a big party with all the people up there who love you. And there are lots of them! Besure to invite the babies (your friends Nicholas, Sophia, and Alexander...and your cousin Jacob...and even your Uncle Leslie).

A year ago today I laid in a hospital bed, scared, praying with all my might that you wouldn't come on this day. I wanted you to wait a lil longer so you could grow big and strong. But God had other plans, and now I see he spared you of the pain and suffering of this world. He loved you so much he took you home to be with Him. I say this and I believe it, but today is a very hard day for Mommy so please angel watch over me.

I'll never forget when you were born and I heard you cry. It was my secret for months, before I told anyone I had heard you. I didn't want to share it, I didn't want anyone but me to know your precious lil cry. When the nurses handed you to me you were so small, I was so scared. I didn't know how to hold you and all I wanted to do was see your face. Of course, it was already obvious you looked just like Daddy!

You had the prettiest long fingers I had ever seen. I couldn't stop looking at them, stroking them, holding them. Even though you were small, just one pound, you were so beautiful. You were just too tiny. Everything about you was perfect to me and Daddy. Nadine loved you so much too, and misses you everyday.

We are having a celebration for you today. Just me, Daddy, and Nadine. I'm making you a Disney Princess cake and we have some decorations :) I love you with all my heart, with more love than I could ever imagine having for anyone. Please watch over you baby brother David, keep him close and always stay together.

Happy 1st Birthday Princess Alyssa...

Nicholas & Sophia

I know this is late Michele, but I had to wish your beautiful babies in Heaven a Happy Birthday. I am also including a passage that was in their memorial mass.

My Lord, the baby is dead! Why, my Lord - dare I ask why? It will not hear the whisper of the wind or see the beauty of its parents' face-it will not see the beauty of Your creation or the flame of a sunrise. Why, my Lord?

Why, My child- do you ask 'why?' Well, I will you why. You see, the child lives. Instead of the wind he hears the sound of angels singing before My throne. Instead of the beauty that passes he sees everlasting Beauty-he see My face. He was created and lived a short time so the image of his parents imprinted on his face may stand before Me as their personal intercessor. He knows secrets of Heaven unknown to men on earth. He laughs with a special joy that only the innocent possess. My ways are not the ways of man. I create for My Kingdom and each creature for My joy and his parents' merits. He has never seen pain or sin. He has never felt hunger or pain. I breathed a soul into a seed, made it grow and called it forth.

I am humbled before you, my Lord, for questioning Your wisdom, goodness, and love. I Speak as a fool-forgive me. I acknowledge Your sovereign rights over life and death. I thank You for the life that began for so short a time to enjoy so long an Eternity.

-Mother M. Angelica