An Occupied Mind...

This post will be a lil bit of everything. My mind wanders, and I can't concentrate, can't remember what I want to post. First off it snowed yesterday! Nadine of course loved it and built her first snowman :) Chris is home from work today, his job called last night and didn't want him to risk driving in the ice and snow today. I thought that was so thoughtful, since he is one of the employee's who lives the farthest away.

On a more serious note I ended up in the emergency room last night. I had a small bite on the back of my head from who knows what, and I scratched it in my sleep. It started out a lil lump and in a matter of a day turned into something the size of half my fist. It is so painful I can't sleep, turn my head, or concentrate on anything. Turns out I have MRSA staph infection. Ewww! I've read up on it and it can be very serious. I started antibiotics last night and pain pills, but I still got about 2 hours rest. It's right at the base of my head in the very bottom of my hairline and the pain radiates on both sides almost to my ears. If the swelling hasn't gone down in 48 hours I have to go back. Please pray it goes away.

I also have a special prayer request for one of my closest friends. I've known her for 15 years, since I was in high school. I don't want to go into many details to resepect her privacy, but she is a God loving wonderful mother. Her husband of 15 years got into some trouble, and had their 4 kids with him at the time. They were taken to foster care. These kids are so close to my heart, the oldest two I practically raised taking them to first day of school, everything while they worked. She had nothing to do with what he did, or that he was going to do it. Her kids shouldn't have been taken away. She is now all alone in a house with no family or friends near her. She's never been alone in her life, and I am very worried about her. She has to finish counseling before she can get the kids back and she is doing anything and everything asked of her to make sure they come home. She has also left her husband to ensure they are never at risk of being taken away again. It's a heartbreaking story, and I'm afraid she is loosing her faith. Please please pray for her.

30 years...

Yes, I am now 30. It was a day spent just Chris and I. He bought me a beautiful locket to put my babies pictures in, just what I wanted. We went to see the Madea Goes To Jail movie which was soooo funny! Then we ended the night eating at the Italian Resturant that Chris works at. I had never been there before and it was sooo good! And everyone was incredibly nice, they even brought out a dessert tray for me and said happy birthday. I was stuffed!

I did cry at dinner. I started thinking about how my birthday was one of the things I had thought about when I was pregnant with David, and how I wanted to see a car seat sitting next to us and Chris showing the baby off to his friends at work. Chris told me about how the head chef had told him that when they found out David passed away one of Chris' friends there got so upset he had to go outside alone, he was crying and so mad about what was going on. It touched my heart that this man cared about us so much that he shared in our grief. I know there are a lot of people out there I don't know who shared in the pain of David passing, and I love you all.

Later while I laid in bed I stared at Chris sleeping. I am always the last to fall asleep, if I even can. Sleep is not my friend these last couple months. I rubbed his shoulder and then gently rubbed his face. I closed my eyes and cried as I ran my hand across the side of his face. I thought about how this was the closest I would get to rubbing my babies. That I could still feel them if I closed my eyes and rubbed Chris' face...because my babies were part of me, and part of him...so the space where my skin met his...was like my babies...part me, part him. I hope I explained that right, in my head I know exactly what I mean.

My post is a little eratic moving from topic to topic sorry thats how my mind works. We ordered David's headstone. We don't know the exact wording but how do you think about this?

Daddy & Mommy's Little Hero
David James Wood
Jan. 12th - Jan. 15th 2009
My Love Will Fly to You Each Night on Angels Wings...

He Should Be In These Too...

We went and got family pictures taken on Saturday night. I wanted to get them done because Nadine is in CA right now for her spring break, and I was just anxious to do it before she left.

I thought about David through the pictures, but I wasn't upset until I saw the actual pictures. I remember being pregnant and so excited about the thought of family pictures with our new addition, our son.

I also remembered being pregnant with Alyssa and getting family pictures taken, thinking "Wow the next time we take pictures like this we will have a baby in them!" I have one family picture of me,Chris, Nadine, and Alyssa. But I will never have a picture of my whole family together, me and all my kids.

I miss my babies. I'm sad that David is not here to be in our pictures. Family pictures will never ever be the same for me, of course we will have them taken, but in my heart they aren't how they are supposed to be. There are people missing, and my heart is missing pieces, I'm not the person I was in our first family picture before Alyssa and David.

I've been having lots of dreams about David. I wake up upset and sometimes crying. The day of pictures I had been dreaming I was still pregnant and actually woke up and rubbed my belly before I realized I had been dreaming. I was relieved I had been in the bedroom by myself, I didn't want anyone to see what I had done and think I was going crazy. I try and keep a lot inside, this blog is the only place I am completley honest with my true feelings....

Prince David...

The picture of Prince David was drawn by my cousin Ron Cohee (google him!). We are going to be ordering David's headstone next week, and this is the drawing going on it. Could it be anymore precious? It even looks like our baby boy. I am so thankful for it.

I am also including a pic of Alyssa's headstone so you all can see the Prince matches her Princess. They will look beautiful together.

Generations...

This post might be jumbled...I'm not sure how to explain everything in my mind right now. I am thinking more about life, and how I wanted my life to be (my 30th birthday is on the 19th and I'm having a hard time with it).

By 30 I was supposed to be married CHECK! I was supposed to have atleast 2 babies CHECK! But I never imagined my babies wouldn't be here with me. I have a lot to be thankful with just in my husband, he really does treat me like a queen, something I've never had done before. He truly loves ME for who I am, just for me. I am thankful to have been raising a beautiful lil girl who I love as my own for the last 5 years. I love you Nadine.

Thinking about all this I started thinking about my daddy. We shared the same birthday, which is amazing in my mind. He was supposed to get a diamond ring on his birthday, and my mom says instead he got me :) My life started with death. My daddy died when I was 3. I remember that morning him leaning down kissing me and telling me "I love you Edith." He callled me Edith after Edith Bunker (All In The Family) because I had a lil squeeky voice.

I remember coming into the house after daycare and running to see my daddy. He was in bed and I can remember trying to wake him up, it's almost as if I can hear myself saying "Wake up Daddy!" and he didn't move. My daddy had died in his sleep. I remember his funeral, my mom holding me up to kiss him goodbye. These are my first memories.

So then my thoughts came to generations. Half of who made me, my daddy, died. All of what I've made, my sweet babies David and Alyssa, who I grew in my body, died. So where does that leave me? Where I've come from, and what I've created have all gone to Heaven. I don't know how to explain it but it kills me inside. Like I'm lost between them, I don't know where my place in the world is anymore. I am the last one. That hurts to the depths of my soul. They are together, my daddy has my babies. Watch over me.

I'm Supposed To Be...

Blogging about how big David is getting. How he is thriving and doing so good at home with his family. I am supposed to have the same followers I had when I was pregnant rejoicing with me that all the prayers kept David here with us.

Now, I'm not saying I don't believe in the power of prayer because I do!!! And I believe our prayers kept David here with us for the time he was given by God. I am thankful he didn't suffer more than he had to that last day. But I miss my son.

I wish I was writing a happy, inspiring blog. Not one of sadness, and mostly me talking about being depressed. I want people to be inspired by the strength David had for the time he was on this earth, and to remember him. I actually started blogging the day I found out I was pregnant (I had another blog page, I moved to this one when we found out David was sick).

I miss my son with such fierceness that I can't even explain it. I have up and down days, but the down days are more and when I say down, I mean DOWN DAYS. I want to stay in bed all day, I want to hold my bear that wears David's outfit from the hospital and sleep. I've started having lots of weird dreams and I don't know what they mean, and usually I can't remember the parts I think are important.

On a happy note, Chris bought me a laminator last night! I am going to start making the bookmarks at home, laminating them and sending them out as I have the funds to do it. I am so excited about Bookmarks of Love/Families of Angels. I hope to help as many families as possible. If you want to know more please look at my previous post.

I miss both my babies. I love you Alyssa and David. Help Mommy make it through today.

Bookmarks of Love..

I've found how I am going to give back! All angel families please join me, and visit my site just for my bookmarks. I am trying to get as many families to either share their stories, or allow me to put them on my blogroll.

http://familiesofangels.blogspot.com/

Oh also please post on your own pages about it or let other angel mommies know! Please help me spread the word! But share the link of the other page not mine...thanks!

Blankets for Babies...

I really feel deep in my heart I need to give something back to the hospital that David was in. It is a very large hospital here in Kansas City, and I was told that our story is repeated there on a daily basis. There are also so many babies there who are battling for their lives, born prematurely and with birth defects of all kinds.

I am going to start crotcheting small blankets for the babies. It takes me about a day to do them, and I figure since I won't be looking for a job until the middle of April I could get a lot done.

David's blanket means so much to me. I slept with it the first two weeks, until I found a bear that his outfit he wore in the hospital while we held him fit perfectly on. Now I sleep with my boo bear. His blanket is folded neatly next to daddy's side of the bed on the book shelf. I think Daddy thinks it's his now...but we all know it's mine :) I'll share for now.

I am reaching out to all of you. Would you like to make blankets with me? Do you have suggestions about other things that I can do? Keep in mind I can't make beanies or anything other than blankets. The hospital does send out a packet with a baby book, and some other momentos and I was thinking of making book marks or something like that.

Does anyone want to help? Send me the blankets and I can donate them all at once? Or another idea you have to donate to these babies that will eventually go to be with our Lord, and their parents need so much support.

If I had enough people who would like to help, I might even make another page, give us a name, and add all our pages to the blog roll so the parents can read all our stories and maybe find some comfort in knowing there are other families who understand.

Please leave a comment, and maybe I can organize this better.

P.S. I'VE CHANGED MY MIND LOL...I AM GOING TO MAKE BOOKMARKS, ITS SOMETHING I CAN PRINT OUT EASILY AND DO A LOT OF. PLEASE KEEP WATCH I HAVE BIG THINGS FOR ANGEL MOMMIES AND ANYONE ELSE WHO WANTS TO HELP! IT'S IN THE WORKS!

God takes away your sadness....mouths of babes...

We were driving in the car and I was crying. I cry randomly for no reason except missing my children, and Nadine know's when I cry it's for David.

"You know what Mommy?" she said to me. I tried to stop my tears and asked her what she was thinking.

"We need to go to church. God takes away all the sadness. You need him to take away your sadness Mommy, you need God."

I was overwhelmed with emotion. She was so right! I've been talking about church, but when this 6 year old lil girl told me this I knew God was speaking through her.

We are buying another car next week. Church will be starting as soon as I have a car!

p.s. the graphic just reminded me of me and David and Alyssa!

Nadine's 6th Birthday!

Dear Peanut,

Mommy loves you so much Peanut! Happy 6th Birthday! Today was a good day and I was so happy to be the one who woke you up and was able to tell you HAPPY BIRTHDAY! You are such a beautiful, smart, funny girl. Daddy and Mommy are so proud of you for how good you do in school.

I want to thank you (even though Mommy looses my patience sometimes) for being my daughter. I know it's confusing to you right now having two mommies, and it's hurting you. But someday I hope you feel lucky that I was the one who raised you, that having two mommies was a blessing in your life.

I want you to grow up never ever doubting my love for you. I know I cry alot for your baby brother and sister, but I love you NO MATTER WHAT! You will always be my baby girl, I've had you since diapers and bottles. No one in this world has ever spent as much time with you as Mommy. And I am grateful for every minute of it.

Mommy prints my blog and saves it. I hope someday you see this and know my love for you is more than words and unconditional! I love you Dini Butt!