What do you do when you don't know yourself anymore?

I know with all my heart that I love my husband, and he is the one meant for me.

 

I know I love Nadine more than words could ever say, she is my daughter no matter who she was born to. I am her mommy and that's all that counts. I know she loves me as much as I love her.

 

I don't know who I am anymore though. I don't know what I like, what I want, who I am supposed to be.

 

I am supposed to be at home with my babies. I am supposed to be changing diapers, making bottles, and cuddling with my kids.

 

I am not supposed to be like this.  Crying and sadness weren't supposed to be my whole life. This isn't fair and it's not the way it was supposed to be.

 

Nadine said to me "Mommy we would still live in our nice house if David wasn't sick." It broke my heart. All I could think of was my pretty 3 bedroom house, and how David was supposed to be sleeping in his own room, how cute I would have decorated it.

 

But nothing is going to be the same, nothing is going to heal this pain I have.

 

I don't know what to do anymore, who I am.

Memorial Service at Hospital

We went to a memorial service for Children's Mercy Hospital where David was at. It was so sad seeing all of the families who have lost children over the years. Some older, lots of babies, and some in between. They did a very nice slideshow and showed all the children's pictures including David's.

 

To say the least it was very emotional for Chris and I. We are still in such deep mourning over both our babies, I really don't know how either one of us has survived this. 

 

At the end of the ceremony everyone went outside to do a butterfly release. Me, Chris, and Nadine all had butterflies in little white boxes and were told to shout our children's names as we released the butterflies. Nadine loved it, and cried out "David!!!" as her butterfly flew away.

 

My butterfly was dead.

 

I was devestated.

 

How fitting right...dead butterfly...it's just not fair...