Thursday, December 31, 2009

One Year Ago

This was Chris and I one year ago today. I was so excited to get these pregnancy pictures taken! Even though I was huge and miserable, I still was so hopeful, feeling so blessed that the doctor's were confident they would save David. Even though I was scared and nervous, I knew I would go through anything for my sweet David.

Today, exactly one year later I sit here pregnant again. Scared, and hoping this baby is born without any complications. A very old friend left me a comment saying "I know and I claim that 2010 will be your best year ever Nikki." WOW! That really hit me right in the heart. And with all my heart I will believe that!

As this new year starts, I am more than sad, and more than excited. I am sad thinking that in 13 days it will be David's 1st birthday....and he's not here in my arms to celebrate it. I am excited thinking maybe just maybe Alyssa and David sent Mommy a miracle.

Happy 2010 friends.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Dreaming of how it should be

I can't help but remember last year's Dec. 22nd date. It was the first time we put Nadine on a plane to CA to see her biological mother by court order. My heart broke as I watched her walk down the aisle of the airplane, so grown up and so confident that she was gonna be okay.

To get myself through the pain and missing of Nadine, I thought of how the next Christmas would be. I knew for sure we would celebrate early, but there was no way I wanted Nadine to miss her baby brother's first Christmas. I could imagine taking them to get pictures with Santa, and knew we would be the happiest family you would ever meet. Our David would be over his heart surgeries, and at home proving to us everyday he wasn't going anywhere.

This Christmas I do not allow myself the thoughts of what the next one will bring. In a perfect world I would be busy running around after a 22 month old and an 11 month old. Planning Christmas, shortly followed by a 1st birthday, a 2nd birthday, and a 7th birthday, one each month. I miss my children more than I can ever express. I miss the laughter, the giggles, the crys, the whining, the everything of which I was suppossed to have.

On a happier note I had another ultrasound and the baby is measuring perfect at 10.2 weeks. We saw it waving and moving up a storm!

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Thinking of...

So I have been debating in my mind (with myself of course) on where to take this blog. Don't get me wrong, no matter what I choose I will continue to blog. I've always loved to keep a diary, even though I could never keep up with it for more than a couple weeks tops. But I tried and tried through out my life, and now I finally am comfortable with my diary being my blog. Happy faces :)

Now my question is this. Do I continue on this blog with all my new life events? I started this blog the day I found out David's heart was sick :( This blog was always entended to be about David, and his story. I never imagined his story would end so soon.

I feel sometimes as if I should start a new blog, and dedicate it more to my family life. That doesn't mean I wouldn't blog about Alyssa and David. It doesn't mean that I am moving on, or that my healing is "done." It just means that I don't know if I want to invade David's page with my new pregnancy as if me being pregnant has made me forget about either of my babies, because IT HASN'T!!! I am still as devestated and missing my babies as ever.

I also respect the fact that many, many baby loss mama's have a hard time reading about someone else's pregnancy. I felt the sadness many many times before, and still sometimes cringe (even though I am thankful other's have been so blessed) when I go to a page I've seen before and now there is a new baby, or a pregnancy in progress. It saddens me that even in our "exclusive group" of baby loss mama's that we are still divided...into those who have had another baby, and those who haven't.

So I now try and decide. Will you all follow me if I start my blogging journey into this new life?

Friday, December 18, 2009

Nadine's Pep Squad Video GO TIGERS!

Nadine's Pep Squad Video by - MySpace Video

Look at my baby! I was so proud of her, she was concentrating so hard! This was the first time she has ever preformed in front of a crowd, and I think she did great. She is growing up so fast, and everytime I look in her face I see her baby sister and brother. They will live on in her forever.


Friday, December 11, 2009

Pray for the DUGGAR family

I am reposting this from My heart is so sad, and praying so hard for this baby. It really hits home, I had my gallbladder out when I was 17 weeks pregnant with Alyssa...and we still believe it and the sickness from my gallbladder caused her to be born at 22 weeks. Please pray for Josie!!!


She arrived earlier than expected, but the 19th Duggar baby is here! Michelle and Jim Bob Duggar welcomed daughter Josie Brooklyn, weighing 1 lb., 6 oz., at 6:27 p.m. Thursday, at the University of Arkansas for Medical Sciences, Arkansas. Michelle, who has been in the hospital recovering from a gallstone, was taken to the OR for an emergency C-section. She is resting comfortably and the baby is stable and in the NICU for extended care, a rep for the network tells PEOPLE exclusively. "The most important thing right now is for mom and baby Josie to get as much rest as possible," reads the statement to PEOPLE. "The family is grateful for all the prayers and well wishes during their recovery."

Monday, November 30, 2009

Christmas is CANCELLED!

Yes my dear readers, I am officially cancelling Christmas in our house. What is Christmas without your kids? What is a house without your family in it to celebrate with? Let me explain to you the 3 ways I am missing my kids ALREADY for Christmas.

Reason #1: Nadine will most likely be in California again this Christmas. Even though her biological "mother" (I use that word lightly) hasn't called her since July (when she was arrestted with Nadine in the car on her first day of summer court ordered visit)...we have very little legally we can do on our own. We have been advised a court date would be months away, and even then the courts don't like to terminate mother's rights EVEN IF THEY AREN'T INVOLVED. As long as she makes the effort to see her on the 3 scheduled times a year, she is a fit parent. Does anyone think of the mental well being of my daughter? That maybe someone who isn't actively involved doesn't deserve to have visitations?

Reason #2: My step-daughter and her boyfriend decided they don't want to bring the grandbaby to spend Christmas with us this year. Even though we have been down there 10+ times this year (2 hours away) and they have only been here last Christmas. We are hurt and disapointed, we want to be with our kids. Chris works day before and after so we can't leave town. I sure will miss my lil butterball grandson chasing me around saying "Nah-Nah!!!" how I love to hear him call me Nana :)

Reason #3: Alyssa and David will spend Christmas in Heaven together. I miss them so much, and this would be David's 1st Christmas. I planned this Christmas out last year as I sat here, on this same couch, pregnant...feeling my baby move inside me as excited as I was.

How I will miss all of my kid's this holiday. How I will miss all my family. Chris and I will spend the holiday alone, together. I can't help but be sad and emotional.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Thankful for what HE has given us

First and foremost I am thankful for the precious time we spent with Alyssa and David. Thankful we were able to hold them close to us, feel their heartbeats against ours. Thankful we were there for every single breathe that Alyssa ever took in this world. Thankful we had 4 days with David, to talk to him, kiss him, and love him.
And second I am thankful for this....

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Blog Button Exchange?

I LOVE my new layout thanks to my great friend Sarah!

I have been wanting a blog button for SOOO long and now I have one! Anyone who would like to add it to their page, and me add yours to mine please leave me a comment.

As for me, I am having a good day so far :) Feeling more positive and less sad the last 2 days. I'm pregnant what should I expect anything less than an emotional roller coaster?

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Nervous Breakdown? Soon I'm Sure...

I am on the brink of a nervous breakdown. I just know it. I don't know how to deal with anything anymore. I am so angry, mad, scared all in one. I don't even know how to let the happy show.

I take everything out on people around me and I don't know how to let them know that I'm scared I'm going to loose it. I don't know how to handle daily life. I have panic attacks and anxiety leaving the house or being in the car.

I should be thrilled. I am attached to this baby, I love it more than words can describe. But I am so scared to get attached....and then be let down. Chris says I can't think like that but I CAN'T HELP IT!!! No one understands unless you've been through it.

I am trying to deal with all the emotions. It makes me so sad that one of the most precious, wonderful blessings is growing inside me, and all I can do is be angry and scared. I am so emotional, and tonight is horrible. I want to just leave and let everyone be free of me being so weird.

Pray with me.

Do you have a RAINBOW baby?

As you can see, I am letting myself re-do my blog with the theme of rainbows. As any babyloss mama know's, it's hard to be positive all the time when you are waiting to make sure your precious lil baby is okay. I have till Nov. 25th to get my ultrasound and see the doctor. Pray I mentally make it through!

Many more changes will come to the page and I'm excited!

I want to make a blog list of all "Rainbow baby mamas" so if you want to be on here please leave me the link to your blog!

As a small update I did go to the doctor's office just for diabetic training (believe me I don't need to be trained how to be diabetic, I've got that down lol) and got all my insulin prescriptions. I've been back on the insulin over a week but still feel like crap as my sugars come down from the 200-300 range. As soon as I am pregnant my sugars jump outta control! But it's coming around :)

Sunday, November 8, 2009


I'm numb. I'm scared. I'm desperate to pick baby names so this baby is named, no matter when it chooses to enter this world.

I am not ready for the negativity from certain family and friends. They don't understand why we would try again, why we would let it happen again...they just don't understand. I don't want to cloud my pregnancy with negativity from anyone.

This baby is a blessing. My miracle. I know this for sure. I am numb to all the emotions of finding out you are pregnant because I am so scared. I don't know how to feel, how to think, how to even go through the emotions of what is going on.

I pray for this pregnancy to go smoothly. Pray with me.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

They Fired Me...

First off I have been working through a staffing agency for this company over 6months. I have been told more than once I'm the top person on my supervisor's team. I have never been written up or in any kinda trouble.

I tell the HR Manager yesterday I'm pregnant and need to see the high risk doc, that I will work around my schedule and work with my supervisor if I need to leave early, come in late, etc.

Today I got a call half hour before work. I am no longer needed. You cannot tell me I wasn't fired because I'm pregnant. There is no other reason. And because I was still through the agency they can do anything they want.

I am devestated. We can't afford to even miss one check and now here I am stressing about being pregnant, praying everything goes ok...and now I don't have a job.

I am so depressed. I know it's not good, but what else can I be?

Saturday, October 31, 2009


I'm pregnant.

I haven't been to the doctor yet, but I did go in for a urine test to confirm it. The lady said it is real faint so I'm probably not that far along.

I am of course thrilled....but...I'm scared. I don't have a lot of words.

Please, please pray that this baby is born healthy, and I have an uneventful pregnancy!!!!

Also, friends and family who read this please don't tell anyone yet! I am posting this for prayer requests, I need all I can get. I will announce the pregnancy in real life in a couple weeks when I've been to the doctor.

A baby...oh how nice that sounds!

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Online Bible Study?

Does anyone know of a good, easy online bible study? Something I can do at my own pace with a couple friends, that has questions and stuff to study?

If anyone know's thanks in advance!

Thursday, October 15, 2009







Nadine wrote all the names on the candle!

Remembering all of our babies tonight. A candle burns in my heart for every parent who has lost a baby...for your baby left us before we could hold them...for your baby that you held so tight and prayed so hard for, and yet they still are in Heaven now...for all the babies...

I wish I could light a candle for every baby that I've been touched by. In my heart there are a million lil candles burning...

The candles I lit tonight are for the babies who are nearest to my heart. My own babies, and my friend Michele's babies as well...I remember them all every day, every minute, every second of my life...

In loving memory of David, Alyssa, Nicholas, Sophia, and Alexander.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Please Pray With Me...

Please pray with my my husband goes with me to church next Sunday. It's been a long time for both of us, but I pray we can find some healing. He needs some peace in his heart, and I'm hoping church can help us.

If you are in the Kansas City area please come to! I found this info when looking for Oct 15th info! I have never been to this church, but I am looking forward to it.

Pregnancy & Infant Loss Service October 18th, 2009
Heartland Church of Christ
6120 NW Prairie View Road
Kansas City, MO 64151(just off of I-29 at 64th Street)
Worship Service will focus on Pregnancy and Infant Loss
Come be with other parents and families who have also experienced the loss of a baby.

Monday, September 28, 2009

What do you do when you don't know yourself anymore?

I know with all my heart that I love my husband, and he is the one meant for me.
I know I love Nadine more than words could ever say, she is my daughter no matter who she was born to. I am her mommy and that's all that counts. I know she loves me as much as I love her.
I don't know who I am anymore though. I don't know what I like, what I want, who I am supposed to be.
I am supposed to be at home with my babies. I am supposed to be changing diapers, making bottles, and cuddling with my kids.
I am not supposed to be like this.  Crying and sadness weren't supposed to be my whole life. This isn't fair and it's not the way it was supposed to be.
Nadine said to me "Mommy we would still live in our nice house if David wasn't sick." It broke my heart. All I could think of was my pretty 3 bedroom house, and how David was supposed to be sleeping in his own room, how cute I would have decorated it.
But nothing is going to be the same, nothing is going to heal this pain I have.
I don't know what to do anymore, who I am.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Memorial Service at Hospital

We went to a memorial service for Children's Mercy Hospital where David was at. It was so sad seeing all of the families who have lost children over the years. Some older, lots of babies, and some in between. They did a very nice slideshow and showed all the children's pictures including David's.
To say the least it was very emotional for Chris and I. We are still in such deep mourning over both our babies, I really don't know how either one of us has survived this. 
At the end of the ceremony everyone went outside to do a butterfly release. Me, Chris, and Nadine all had butterflies in little white boxes and were told to shout our children's names as we released the butterflies. Nadine loved it, and cried out "David!!!" as her butterfly flew away.
My butterfly was dead.
I was devestated.
How fitting right...dead's just not fair...

Friday, August 21, 2009

Write a book?

I'm thinking of writing a book. I've been thinking of it for awhile, and it will be a long process. I've been blogging since the day I found out I was pregnant with David. I want to write the book with all my entries, and with additional thoughts and writings in between, as well as pictures.
I am thinking of doing this on my own, selling it only on my blog for just what it costs me to get it printed and mail out. Kinko's will print and bind anything, that's probably how I would do it.
Now I need to know, how many people think they would want to read my story from the very first day?
Are there any other baby loss mama's out there who would like to be included in the book? Would you like to write chapters to be included in the book?
Give me any ideas you have!
I think a book of stories of other women who have gone through loss would be a great idea to give to new mother's in our circle, a way for them to see there are other people who understand.

Friday, August 14, 2009


I found a local organization that does free counseling, groups, and other services FREE for families with children who have lost a loved one. I talked to a woman yesterday who explained the programs and I was so excited.
Kids are put into groups according to age and get to share about their losses. She said it really helps the kids to know that there are other people who have lost loved one's as well. Nadine needs this, I feel horrible hearing her talk about "her babies." The love she has for her baby sister and brother is so strong! She is very easily upset when she thinks anyone might have said something about them that wasn't nice. She was teased at school for having a dead baby brother :(
I need the counseling as well. I don't think I'm going to go to individual, but to the groups with other parents. I would really like to meet other families and make friends. For us to have someone here in person to relate to, and kids for Nadine to socialize with.
I am waiting on the staff therapist to call and set up an intake appointment. I hope it works out and that this is something that helps us.
Has anyone else gone to counseling or groups? Or taken their children? I think after loosing Alyssa we were given so much hope with a new baby. We never would forget her, but there was some healing in having another baby. And when David passed when we thought he was going to make really hit us harder than ever.
I'm blogging from work SHHHHH! I'm going to end this for now but I would love to hear feedback from anyone!

Thursday, August 13, 2009


"They say that time in heaven is compared to 'the blink of an eye'
for us on this earth. Sometimes it helps me to think of my child
running ahead of me through a beautiful field of wildflowers and
butterflies; so happy and completely caught up in what she is
doing that when she looks behind her, I'll already be there."

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

My Husband...

I didn't know until this morning that my husband reads my blog! I was suprised, shocked, and happy. Sometimes a lot of what I blog about is stuff I can't talk about in real life. As vocal as I am in my blog about my feelings, when it comes to actually speaking them to another person...
I tend to keep it inside. When the words come out of my mouth so do the tears.
So I just wanted to let you know how much I love you Christopher. You are my heart, my soul, my everything. Without you in my life I don't know where I would be without you. In all honesty if we hadn't got back together when we did I would probably be lost in the world with no one. You are the only man I've ever loved, the only one I will ever love other than our son.
I couldn't have made it through loosing Alyssa without you. I couldn't have made it through loosing David without you. I couldn't have made it through any of our hard times without you. You are my strength, my rock, my everything.
I am so sorry that we have had to go through everything we have. I am so sorry that you have had to deal with loosing our babies. I feel so guilty for all the pain you have gone through because of me. The last thing in the world I ever want is you to be hurt or sad. I love you Daddy.
You are the only man I would ever want to be the father of my children. You make me so proud.

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Time to share David's video...

Our Precious Son Video by ~!DaViD & aLySSa!~ - MySpace Video

Shared via AddThis

I will never ever forget the sound of the breathing machine.

I don't know how to share the video any other way. I hope you all take the time to view the link, and see just how precious David really was. I miss him so much, every day, every minute.

I sat down and looked through the disc of David's pictures and was amazed at how many of them I didn't even realize I had. I guess I'm just to the point I'm out of the fog in my head.

I hope to blog more later. I'm just here remembering David. My sweet baby boy.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Angel Mommy Guest Bloggers!

So I was thinking last night how fun would it be to do an "Angel Mommy Guest Blogger" event. Here is how it will work!
What: Angel Mommy Guest Blogger
Where: Here on my blog!
When: Now!
Who: Angel Mommies
Requirements to be a guest blogger: Must be an angel mommy, must be willing to blog about how my story has touched you, and introduce yourself and your angel to my readers!
How it works: email me and I will send you the direct email address to post something on my blog!
I really really want to connect other mom's together who have lost babies. I think this would be great! You can blog about your story, and how my story and my angels have affected you!
If you are interested please email me at

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Nadine & California...

So as most of you know, my daughter Nadine has to go to California to visit her "egg donor" (now known as ED from now on) a couple times a year. It's hard on us because we know how ED is, and she has never tried to be involved in Nadine's life. In fact before she bought the plane ticket we hadn't heard from her in over a month. I just don't understand how a person who does nothing for the child, doesn't call or keep in touch, has never even sent a birthday card...gets to have unsupervised visits.

Nadine left last Saturday morning to CA. We were sad, worried about how she was going to be taken care of, and nervous as we have been the other times. They called us as soon as her plane landed and we talked to her and everything was fine. ED sent me a picture message of Nadine and her sister that night and then we didn't hear from her again. We called Saturday night, all day Sunday and Monday, and heard nothing back from her.

I just had a feeling and looked up the jail info and found out ED was in jail. She had been arrested the night Nadine got there and no one had called us. I called ED's mom and told her we knew ED was in jail and where was our baby. She had been left with ED's boyfriend and her sisters, and he had let them stay with neighbors. I was soooo upset! Why didn't they call us? Why was she allowed to stay with strangers????

My mother in law picked her up and Nadine is now visiting with family. She is safe, which is all that matters to me. She is getting to see her brother and sister who live out there, and has visited her cousins too. She is happy and having fun!

ED is on a 30 day hold waiting for extradition to MO. She had a felony warrant from when she lived out here. So we are praying this helps our child custody case, to have the court order changed to supervised visits in MO, no more going to CA. Pray for us! The whole situation is just sad, I'm glad Nadine isn't attached enough to ED to be sad about this, or for it to be causing her problems. She is just as happy to be with Grandma :)

Other than that I am just tired from working. It's been awhile for me...and of course still missing my babies every minute of every day!

update....Chris and I have been together 10 years...but were seperated for about was in that time Nadine was born, but her "egg donor" left when she was 6 months old and Chris was raising her when we got back together, I've raised her since she was a year and a half old...and yes Nadine was with ED when she was pulled over and arrested but thankfully has really hadn't even had an issue over it...

Monday, July 6, 2009

I Don't Want To Be...

I don't want to be the expert on babies dying.

I don't want to be ONE OF THEM.

I don't want to be the mom that is called in the middle of the night to be asked about going into labor premature. I don't want to be the woman who know's all the answers to give about premature babies, and babies born with birth defects.

I don't want to be the person who know's how much pain a family will be in those first couple days, months, and even years.

I never realized how many babies died, how the dream of a healthy pregnancy can be shattered in an instant. I never realized how widespread the effects of miscarriage and pregnancy loss really is.

I don't want to be one of the mommy's who is crying for her babies.

I don't want to be without my babies.

I don't want to be blogging about my don't want to be's...

Thursday, July 2, 2009

So Tired...

I am so tired everyday when I come home from work. I'm not used to a day without naps. Pretty sad for a 30 year old lol...but I am glad to be working!

I will try to post more, I'm gonna figure out how I can email my posts, and then I can do it on my free time at work. SHHHH don't tell anyone! Actually I work really hard, and it's rare I have down time so I deserve to blog a little. I've already had two supervisors tell me that I'm doing great and they are glad I'm working so good :)

Today I did leave a couple hours early. My dear sweet friend Karin called to tell me that her fiancee (and father of her son) died yesterday. I was stunned. I was so upset hearing her cry, that I just cried with her. I know the pain of loosing a significant other must be horrible. I can imagine there are a lot of the same emotions as loosing a child, but it's a different type of grieving. Please please keep Karin and her son in your prayers.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

His Toes...

His toes were just like Mommy's.

As I was riding in the car with Chris yesterday I started thinking of David's chubby little toes. They were just like mine, he had the gab between the big toe and the next one that I've been teased about by my husband...and some others.

I was once told I had monkey toes. Haha, I don't know if that was meant to be mean which I'm hoping it wasn't. It was funny, and since I was told that I giggle at the thought. Is there not suppossed to be a gap between your big toe and the others? The people I know claim there isn't! And well when I look at others toes I realize they aren't all the same.

David had chubby toes with a gap. Just like Mommy.

And it hurts that I will never kiss those toes. I will never tickle those toes. I will never rub those feet. I will never see those toes grow into the toes of a toddler, or the toes of a man. I miss those toes so much it brings me to tears.

On another note, I've started working. I was very nervous being around new people but I made it through the week! I'm a loan officer for a pay day internet loan company. It's pretty easy, and keeps me busy. Plus we needed the extra income. So if I'm not commenting a lot, or not posting as much as I should, please know I am still reading everyone's blogs, I'm just in the background for awhile!

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Never be the same...

I've lived in Kansas City for 6 months now. We moved her for the sole purpose of being near the children's hospital for David. We don't know anyone, a few neighbors, and of course Chris has made friends at work.

Have I made friends? No. There are a million reasons. I don't like leaving the house, I've been very unsociable, I'm not the same person I was before. I don't even know if I am in the place to make new friends. The thought of getting to know a person who know's nothing about me, about my journey...scares me.

Any case, I met a girl down the street who is from CA like us and I was really excited! We had set up a pool for Nadine and invited her two small girls to swim. It was nice, sitting outside watching the girls splash and play. I was so happy that Nadine had someone to play with for once.

We talked, exchanged our backgrounds about living in CA and the difference living here. It was just nice. Then it happened.

"You are so lucky to just have one little girl." I smiled and told myself it was okay, she didn't know.

"She's the only one we have here, we would love our other children to be here too." I answered. I never know how to answer about David and Alyssa. I will NEVER deny them, but I am also don't want anyone who I don't really know, knowing about them. I don't want them to feel bad, or to feel sorry for me. I also don't want to keep my children a secret. Finding the right way, the right time is crucial for me when I meet new people.

I am afraid telling someone I have lost two children right from the start makes people step back. Maybe they think it's contatious? That they couldn't conceieve it ever happening to them, so they back off to ensure it doesn't. Now, not all people are the same.

"You just don't know how lucky you are not to have two small children. I can tell you it's nothing you would want to deal with!" she told me laughing.

Those two sentences made me realize I wasn't ready. I'm not ready to get to know someone, to open up and share. She has no idea what those words meant to me. I would give up everything I have my two small children here with me. There is nothing more I want, or ever will want. There is nothing else I cry over. There is nothing else that hurts as bad as not having my children with me.

It wasn't her fault at all. She seems nice, and I will be more than willing to chat while the girls play or swim. But I can't start a friendship yet. I'm not ready. I don't know if I will ever be ready to be friends with someone who doesn't understand me, who hasn't lost a child. It was a very sad discovery for me. Just another way life will never be the same again.

P.S. I have the pen pals matched up, and will be sending emails tomorrow. If you would like to be a snail mail pen pal with another angel mommy please read down a little on my page and send me a email with your info!

Friday, June 5, 2009


I have so much fear in my life. It's like I am constantly anxious, or scared about something. I don't even like leaving the house that much unless I am with Chris and I know where we are going. I am suppossed to be looking for a job next week and I'm terrified!

I'm suppossed to be getting ready to take Nadine to this beautiful fountain not too far away. She is such a little ham and wants to take pictures constantly, and this is the perfect back drop. But I don't know if I can do it. I get so anxious, so nervous to leave. I don't have any real fears of something going wrong, or bad things happening...I just can't do it. And I'm so sad because she wants to go so bad, but Mommy feels like I'm loosing my mind.

I think about getting pregnant again. I want a baby in my arms with me so bad right now. I want David and Alyssa. I want to try again, but I am so terrified of loosing another baby. The doctor told me not to worry, "Next time will be different." But how do I know? I had such faith David would live, that he would come home with me...and he didn't.

I just don't know how to do it all.

P.S. If you want to be an angel mommy pen pal please read the previous post, I hope to have more people sign up! Please send your info!

Saturday, May 30, 2009

Snail Mail Pen Pals?

I love getting mail, and I love writing letters. I also like getting to know other "angel mom's" who understand the road I've been traveling as a mother without her babies. SO! Who wants to be a snail mail pen pal?

I've been thinking about it and we could start off our snail mail friendship with a letter opening your heart up about your babies. Explain to your new friend how you lost your babies, how you memorialize them now. Explain how it has changed your family. Exchange pictures!

If you are interested, we could start a "Snail Mail Club" and I could help match angel mommy's up with another angel mommy. We could pick themes for the month and write to each other based on a commonly decided upon theme. We can have "secret" pals and exchange small gifts. There is so much we could do!

If you are interested and want to participate please email me the following info -

1. Your First & Last Name:
2. Your Mailing Address:
3. Your Email:
4: Brief Explanation of your angels in Heaven (Names, How Far Along/How Old):
5. Blog URL:

I will leave this open over the weekend and see how many people we get to sign up!

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Divine Moments

I am going to start my own blog tradition! To start my week off right I am going to post from my "Divine Moments for Women" everyday inspiration from God book. I am going to start this post (which will be monday's from now on) with 'depression'.


My Question for God...
Where can I find inspiration and encouragement in times of depression?

A Moment with God...
Even in darkness I cannot hide from you. PSALM 139:12

Jesus said, "Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest." MATTHEW 11:28

No power in the sky above or in the earth below - indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to seperate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord. ROMANS 8:39

Sooner or later most of us experience some form of depression. It can descend slowly and hang in the air like an all-day rain. It can overwhelm like an avalanche of darkness. It can be the result of a specific experience of failure or loss, or it can invade your mind for no discernable reason. No matter how low you get, there is no depth to which you can descend that God is not present with you. Even if you don't feel his presence, He has not abandoned you. God can use your depression to get you to slow down and rest long enough to be with Him. As you meet with Him in prayer and with an open Bible, you welcome the Holy Spirit to do his work of comfort, transformation, and encouragement - often in ways you cannot explain. The light of God's comforting presence can drive the darkness of depression from your soul

Divine Promise

Saturday, May 23, 2009


I got a postcard in the mail today addressed to David. For the NICU reunion.

I can't stop crying.

Nothing in this world would mean more to me than to take my baby boy to the reunion. BUT I CAN'T!!!!

I'm going over the deep end...I'm so sad.

Friday, May 22, 2009

Do I Go On?

I've been wrestling with the thoughts in my head the last couple weeks. Do I go on with this blog? I'm so attached to it, but I keep thinking at some point do people just want me to get over being sad and move on? How many posts about me being depressed, missing my babies, always being people really want to read?

I don't know if this is all just me being so depressed, more than I really want to admit to anyone. I don't know how to tell Chris just how torn up inside I am, how most days not wanting to even get out of bed, not having the energy to do anything. I've just sent an email to a organization here that does individual and family counseling for families with children who have suffered a loss.

I've got so much anxiety, and panicky all the time. I don't even like to leave the house. I can't explain it to anyone, but to all of you out there who read my blog. I feel like I'm letting my family down and I can't even tell them how I feel. Inside I know they must think I'm just lazy and don't want to do anything. But my body won't let me. I don't want to be like this but I am overcome physically and mentally with sadness.

This week my sister (she's my cousin but my mom raised her) had her baby girl, Alivia. I was pregnant with David when she found out she was pregnant too. I saw the picture of her beautiful baby girl and cried. I truly am so happy for her, she deserves happiness. It was the sight of her holding her baby that got to me. I never had the chance to just hold my babies and not think about how they were leaving me. I hate that the pure joyous moment of having a baby handed to you after birth and just being able to be happy and love your baby were taken from me.

I'm terrified and excited at the fact that I could be working on TTC #4. While we aren't doing anything to track ovulation, blah blah, we also aren't doing anything to prevent it. Chris wants another baby, and even though I do as well I am terrified. I hate that I have to be scared to be pregnant, it's not fair!

Please let me get over this...please allow me to get out of this depression. To be able to get up in the morning and be happy about it. I also went for a job interview at a temp agency, I so hope I can get back to work we need the money. But I'm terrified of being around lots of new people. Oh, there is so much I need to work on...give me the strength!

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Mother's Day From Heaven

I think I am going to spend the day in bed. I miss my babies so much, my heart can't handle it. I just want to sleep all day...for those of you who have all your children be THANKFUL! I found this poem and wanted to share it with those of you who have lost a prayers are with you!

Dandelions From Heaven
Mothers Day is coming...and I wanted to send you a sign...
Something you can tell others..."Is from an angel of mine".
So I searched the Heavens high and low for that perfect thing..
And low and behold I found it....and a smile I hope it will bring.

So when you look to the Heavens...and see the yellow stars in the sky...
Just think of me...your angel... in the Heavens way up high...
And just imagine those stars...are dandelions up above
...Yes! Dandelions are also in Heaven...,which you know how much I love.

So on this Mothers Day... when you awake and feel blue...
You will notice those yellow stars...are no longer in view...
So just look to the meadows and the dandelions you see....
Are the ones I've tossed down this Mothers Day from me!

And when you find a dandelion that has turned from yellow to white...
You're supposed to make a wish...and then blow with all your might.
For you will be blowing kisses... to me in Heaven above....
And I will be catching them and blowing them back...sent with all my love.

Please know that I am with you...on this Mothers Day...
And also in the days ahead...God and I will never stray...
We will be with you in the morning...when you wake and see the sun..
We will be with you when you say your prayers...when the day is done.

For God and I will never be...very far from your side...
For I can now be everywhere...and God will be your guide...
So...remember when you see dandelions...its your guarantee...
That I am alway close to you....
For dandelions are free to just like me.

I will always be with you Mom....
Happy Mothers Day
Love, Your Angel in Heaven.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Under Tree - April

Ok, so I am just a little late. I've just found Under Tree which I recommend to any mother who has experienced a loss!

How long has it been since you lost your child/ren? Has your grief changed at all? Is your life becoming any easier or is it just harder as time passes?
It has been 1 year and almost 3 months since I lost Alyssa, and almost 4 months since we lost David. My grief has changed in the sense that I am more at peace with Alyssa's passing (which I don't know whether I like or not). I realize she didn't have a chance and God took her without any pain, without any suffering. My grief for David goes up and down, I am torn up inside. He was a big baby, he lived for 4 days and we had such hope he would come home with us.

How do you feel when you see pregnant women when you are out and about?
I'm not angry at pregnant women, sometimes when I do see them I feel a bit jealous but I miss my pregnancies more than I am overtaken by theirs. I say a prayer they never go through what I went through.

Whats your therapy in the aftermath of losing your child/ren? Do you go to counseling? Do you do artwork or some kind of exercise or do you simply just let yourself be? What helps you?
I blog! I also journal on my own in my own writing. I have also turned to poetry alot, I love to find poetry that relates to the pain I feel. I do need regular counseling by a therapist at this time, but due to lack of insurance I am stuck.

Friday, May 1, 2009

Life Just Isn't Fair...

As we are nearing our March for Babies walk this Sunday I think it's just taking an emotional toll on me. I haven't been able to sleep, staying up until atleast 3 or 4AM just laying in bed praying I fall asleep, or even something that resembles it.

Last night I cried for a good hour thinking of David. I kept thinking about the lil brown bear he held in his arm the majority of the time he was in the hospital. We gave it to his uncle (also his namesake, Uncle David) because he wasn't able to hold David, so we wanted him to have what David held. I hope that makes sense.

All I could think about is where is the bear at in Uncle David's house? Does he take it out and look at it like I would? Does he kiss it and tell David he loves him? Is there a possibility when I am in California could I break into their house, find the bear and steal it with no one ever knowing it's me?

I miss David more than words can ever say. I hope I make it through the walk, seeing the Baby Blvd with a sign for each of our babies in Heaven along with all the other babies up there them.

I am also so emotional about my niece Kayla. Please please read her blog, I posted an update just awhile ago. She is going to have to have her leg amputated. This is all too much for me.

Thursday, April 30, 2009

Kayla's Site...

PLEASE PLEASE pray for this little girl. Go to her page, leave comments, add her button to your blog!

Saturday, April 25, 2009


Kayla & her Mommy
Kayla & Courtney

This beautiful little girl is my niece's cousin. Long, complicated explanation, so just know she is family. Her name is Kayla and we've just found out she has cancer in her lungs and her leg. I don't know a lot right now, but I had to share her with you all so we can start praying for her!

Kayla and her mom Heather both need our prayers. I am going to be updating as I find out anything new, but from what I've heard right now they might have to amputate her leg :( Please pray that they don't have to do this, and that in this journey Kayla doesn't suffer and gets better. Please pray her beautiful Mommy is given the strength to get through everyday living. Please pray for a miracle, we know God is listening!

What is Ewing's sarcoma (ES)?

Ewing's sarcoma is a cancer that occurs primarily in the bone or soft tissue. Ewing's sarcoma can occur in any bone, but is most often found in the extremities and can involve muscle and the soft tissues around the tumor site. Ewing's sarcoma cells can also spread (metastasize) to other areas of the body including the bone marrow, lungs, kidneys, heart, adrenal gland, and other soft tissues.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Mommy in the hospital...

So as you may know, I am in the hospital. I am slowly getting better, still real sore in my abdomen though. I had ultrasounds and an MRI yesterday and nothing was found, just that my pancreas is still inflamed. The doctors think I might have had a small gallstone (even though my gallbladder was removed over a year ago) and that I passed it, causing the pancreatitis.

The plan now is to try and get me back to eating without hurting my pancreas anymore than it is. For now I am on an all liquid diet. Jello woohoo! I can't tell you how wonderful that little cup of jello looked to me after 3 days of no food, and 1 night of nothing at all.

I hate being in the hospital, and get anxious to leave of course. This time my heart is hurting for my baby girl Nadine. When Chris took her home the other night she layed in my spot on the bed and asked her dad, "Is Mommy going to die?" It broke my heart to hear that she is worried Mommy's gonna die. I know that to her, whenever Mommy goes in the hospital it is usually from being pregnant, and when I come home one of our babies has died.

I called her and told her Mommy was going to be ok, but I had to stay here until I get better. My poor baby, I feel so horrible she has been through so much in her little life, and that death is something she knows all too well. This morning she also had a hard time getting ready for school (Daddy was a little more than frustrated lol) and kept saying she just wanted her Mommy to come home.

So please say a prayer for Nadine, to help her understand that Mommy is coming home and I'm not leaving her. Thank you friends!

Thursday, April 23, 2009

I'm in the hospital :(

So on Wed night I started to feel sick. I just didn't feel right. I felt a tight, sick feeling in my lower chest/upper abdomen. I told Chris I didn't feel normal and went to bed early. I seemed to be fine and thought maybe I was getting a flu.

Yesterday when Chris got home we ate Quiznos, which I LOVE! Within a couple hours I was throwing up and in excruciating pain. I couldn't take it and Chris said we needed to go to the hospital. Of course I didn't want to go, but after crying for about an hour we went.

To make a long story short I had acute pancreatitis. I've found some info online to share with you so you can understand what it is if you woul like. I don't feel up to blogging at all, I'm living on ice chips and pain meds, great! Well no not really.

Nadine told Chris as they were getting ready to leave..."I told you not to bring Mommy I knew they were going to keep her here, why did you make her come?" My poor baby is so scared of me being in the hospital. So pray she is okay with Mommy being here to get better.

What Is Acute Pancreatitis?

An estimated 50,000 to 80,000 cases of acute pancreatitis occur in the United States each year. This disease occurs when the pancreas suddenly becomes inflamed and then gets better. Some patients have more than one attack but recover fully after each one. Most cases of acute pancreatitis are caused either by alcohol abuse or by gallstones. Other causes may be use of prescribed drugs, trauma or surgery to the abdomen, or abnormalities of the pancreas or intestine. In rare cases, the disease may result from infections, such as mumps. In about 15 percent of cases, the cause is unknown.

What Are the Symptoms of Acute Pancreatitis?

Acute pancreatitis usually begins with pain in the upper abdomen that may last for a few days. The pain is often severe. It may be constant pain, just in the abdomen, or it may reach to the back and other areas. The pain may be sudden and intense, or it may begin as a mild pain that is aggravated by eating and slowly grows worse. The abdomen may be swollen and very tender. Other symptoms may include nausea, vomiting, fever, and an increased pulse rate. The person often feels and looks very sick.

About 20 percent of cases are severe. The patient may become dehydrated and have low blood pressure. Sometimes the patient's heart, lungs, or kidneys fail. In the most severe cases, bleeding can occur in the pancreas, leading to shock and sometimes death.

How Is Acute Pancreatitis Diagnosed?

During acute attacks, high levels of amylase (a digestive enzyme formed in the pancreas) are found in the blood. Changes may also occur in blood levels of calcium, magnesium, sodium, potassium, and bicarbonate. Patients may have high amounts of sugar and lipids (fats) in their blood too. These changes help the doctor diagnose pancreatitis. After the pancreas recovers, blood levels of these substances usually return to normal.

What Is the Treatment for Acute Pancreatitis?

The treatment a patient receives depends on how bad the attack is. Unless complications occur, acute pancreatitis usually gets better on its own, so treatment is supportive in most cases. Usually the patient goes into the hospital. The doctor prescribes fluids by vein to restore blood volume. The kidneys and lungs may be treated to prevent failure of those organs. Other problems, such as cysts in the pancreas, may need treatment too.
Sometimes a patient cannot control vomiting and needs to have a tube through the nose to the stomach to remove fluid and air. In mild cases, the patient may not have food for 3 or 4 days but is given fluids and pain relievers by vein. An acute attack usually lasts only a few days, unless the ducts are blocked by gallstones. In severe cases, the patient may be fed through the veins for 3 to 6 weeks while the pancreas slowly heals.

Antibiotics may be given if signs of infection arise. Surgery may be needed if complications such as infection, cysts, or bleeding occur. Attacks caused by gallstones may require removal of the gallbladder or surgery of the bile duct. Surgery is sometimes needed for the doctor to be able to exclude other abdominal problems that can simulate pancreatitis or to treat acute pancreatitis. When there is severe injury with death of tissue, an operation may be done to remove the dead tissue.

After all signs of acute pancreatitis are gone, the doctor will determine the cause and try to prevent future attacks. In some patients the cause of the attack is clear, but in others further tests need to be done.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Headstone Proof...

I finally recieved the proof of David's headstone. It is so perfect, if you remember his prince matches Alyssa's princess.

On another note, Chris goes back to court on May 13th. Why??? Because they like stringing us along, we went all the way down there, had Nadine out of school...just to hear "Ok we will reset this to May 13th, see you then." UGH! I really don't understand. Someone asked if it was drinking related....NO! It was just a speeding ticket. I think this great state is running out of options on how to get more money out of it's citizens! I don't sound angry do I? Hahaha!

Sunday, April 19, 2009

2 or 10...

So I would normally not post about this, in my own fear of being judged or thought less of. When I think about it though it's just something thats happened, it's not a big deal.

We are heading down to where we used to live 2 hours away so Chris can go to court tomorrow. He got 2 speeding tickets and now the great state of Missouri has decided he needs "shock treatment." What does this mean? That he will have to spend 2 to 10 days in jail to "shock" him into not driving fast anymore. What confuses me is that these tickets are over a year old, and now they want to shock him when he hasn't recieved anymore tickets in a YEAR?

My anxiety is slowly creeping up. I don't think Chris realizes how much fear and anxiety I really have just even leaving the house, but let alone thinking of 10 nights of being without him is terrifying to me. I hate being alone at night anyways, and now I am just afraid of everything anyways. I am praying it is only 2 days, and Nadine and I will just stay at my oldest step daughters house until he gets out.

To a normal person, a normal wife...a couple days away from their husband could be something that happens frequently. A vacation away from each other, business out of town, tons of different reasons. But to me it is absolute torture. People think I am so strong, that I am dealing so truth I am constantly afraid, anxious, and scared of everything. Life itself scares me. Chris is what gets me through the day, and to seperate him from me for speeding tickets is just...stupid!

So please, please pray I make it through this. As trivial it may seem to some people, to me it's a matter of my sanity. I am taking my computer with me and I will let everyone know what goes on.

Friday, April 17, 2009

Wedding Anniversary...

Today is our one year wedding anniversary! I can't believe a year has gone by since we said our vows. Now, Chris and I have been together for the majority of nine years. I was pregnant with Alyssa when we decided to get married. It was all for you baby girl, Daddy and Mommy wanted to show you how much we loved each other. So today I thank you Alyssa, Mommy's baby girl...for bringing me and Daddy closer.

We had decided to get married when I was pregnant. I was planning the big wedding, had put a deposit on a location and everything. When Alyssa was born early our lives changed. We were devestated. I couldn't think of the big wedding without her, so much of it had been planned around us having a baby who would be about a month old at the time we said our vows.

So I sold our location to another couple and we were married at a chapel close to home. It was just us, Nadine, my brother and sister in law as witnesses, and my niece. It was a glass chapel in the woods, and the most beautiful scenery I had ever seen.

Even though I didn't get the big wedding I once dreamed of, I got the wedding my heart desired. Just me and my love in a ceremony that was personal, something we shared with just a few people. I will forever cherish those moments.

So today I think of all that I am blessed with by being Chris' wife. He truly is the love of my life, the best thing that has ever happened to me. He gave me the best gifts of bringing me Nadine...and by blessing me with having David and Alyssa for the time we did. I love you Christopher.

And to my precious children in Heaven, Mommy loves you and misses you everyday.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Please Watch!

I am asking all my blog readers to please please watch this video. So simple but so powerful. I just watched it and am crying my eyes out. There are no words to explain how it makes me feel to see other parent's going thru the pain Chris and I feel everyday.

I am challenging you all to donate to the March for Babies walk we are doing to honor David and Alyssa's memory. I don't care if it's a dollar or more, every penny counts. WE WANT ALL BABIES TO BE BORN HEALTHY AND NO PARENT TO GO THROUGH THE PAIN AND SUFFERING OF LOOSING A CHILD!

I will be sending everyone who donates any amount of money a special momento remembering my babies!!! Click the widget on the side or go to our page...

Constant Fear...

I don't know how to explain it other than I am in constant fear. I am scared during the day, at night, everytime of day. I don't know what I am afraid of or how to stop it. I don't even really like to leave the house. I don't think I've been to the grocery store in over a month. I do leave the house of course, but only when I find that I have to.

I have my anti-anxiety meds, but I don't think they help as much as I need. I haven't taken my anti depressants and I wonder would they stop this? I need to start looking for a job soon...but I'm scared! Scared of having to work with people..people who will actually talk to me.

I am scared of being so scared.

I am afraid of the future, and in constant grief over the past.

I miss my babies more than ever. Yesterday was 3 months since David was born. What a wonderful Easter it would have been with him in my arms on his 3 month birthday. I remember things getting a little more normal around this time after I lost Alyssa, but it seems I am getting worse as times goes on now. I feel like I am locked inside my head, scared...alone...and so sad. I miss my son more than my heart can handle, and my mind is not able to cope with any of this.

Friday, April 10, 2009

Genetic Testing Back...

First off I haven't posted in awhile because my best friends and their kids were here from CA for a week. It was so nice to have them here, but at the same time my heart ached. They had planned to come when I was pregnant, they were supposed to be here seeing David. That killed me on the inside, he should be here with us. He should have been in my arms...I wanted to be that proud Mommy showing off her son. My heart aches for him in the most terrible way.

I called the children's hospital day before yesterday to get the last of the genetic tests they performed when David was born. They were looking for a gene that causes hydrocephalus in boys, and it wasn't there! Also all the other tests they ran don't show any cause of genetic issues.

This means that with the testing they can do, nothing genetic shows. Is it possible that it was genetic? Yes...but we won't know for sure. Is it possible that it was just something that happened? Yes...but we will never know. I was told that if I choose to get pregnant again to start taking folic acid before I concieve, and to make sure that from 18 weeks on I have frequent ultrasounds to monitor for any abnormalities.

Chris is thrilled we can have another baby. I am scared, unsure, and still grieving for the baby I desperatley want to be in my arms. We are going to wait a few months atleast to decide. I want to give my husband the baby he so wants, and I want to...but I am scared of letting everyone down a 3rd time...of having a baby who suffers or is in pain in any way. I'm so confused, so hurt, so sad.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

An Occupied Mind...

This post will be a lil bit of everything. My mind wanders, and I can't concentrate, can't remember what I want to post. First off it snowed yesterday! Nadine of course loved it and built her first snowman :) Chris is home from work today, his job called last night and didn't want him to risk driving in the ice and snow today. I thought that was so thoughtful, since he is one of the employee's who lives the farthest away.

On a more serious note I ended up in the emergency room last night. I had a small bite on the back of my head from who knows what, and I scratched it in my sleep. It started out a lil lump and in a matter of a day turned into something the size of half my fist. It is so painful I can't sleep, turn my head, or concentrate on anything. Turns out I have MRSA staph infection. Ewww! I've read up on it and it can be very serious. I started antibiotics last night and pain pills, but I still got about 2 hours rest. It's right at the base of my head in the very bottom of my hairline and the pain radiates on both sides almost to my ears. If the swelling hasn't gone down in 48 hours I have to go back. Please pray it goes away.

I also have a special prayer request for one of my closest friends. I've known her for 15 years, since I was in high school. I don't want to go into many details to resepect her privacy, but she is a God loving wonderful mother. Her husband of 15 years got into some trouble, and had their 4 kids with him at the time. They were taken to foster care. These kids are so close to my heart, the oldest two I practically raised taking them to first day of school, everything while they worked. She had nothing to do with what he did, or that he was going to do it. Her kids shouldn't have been taken away. She is now all alone in a house with no family or friends near her. She's never been alone in her life, and I am very worried about her. She has to finish counseling before she can get the kids back and she is doing anything and everything asked of her to make sure they come home. She has also left her husband to ensure they are never at risk of being taken away again. It's a heartbreaking story, and I'm afraid she is loosing her faith. Please please pray for her.

Friday, March 20, 2009

30 years...

Yes, I am now 30. It was a day spent just Chris and I. He bought me a beautiful locket to put my babies pictures in, just what I wanted. We went to see the Madea Goes To Jail movie which was soooo funny! Then we ended the night eating at the Italian Resturant that Chris works at. I had never been there before and it was sooo good! And everyone was incredibly nice, they even brought out a dessert tray for me and said happy birthday. I was stuffed!

I did cry at dinner. I started thinking about how my birthday was one of the things I had thought about when I was pregnant with David, and how I wanted to see a car seat sitting next to us and Chris showing the baby off to his friends at work. Chris told me about how the head chef had told him that when they found out David passed away one of Chris' friends there got so upset he had to go outside alone, he was crying and so mad about what was going on. It touched my heart that this man cared about us so much that he shared in our grief. I know there are a lot of people out there I don't know who shared in the pain of David passing, and I love you all.

Later while I laid in bed I stared at Chris sleeping. I am always the last to fall asleep, if I even can. Sleep is not my friend these last couple months. I rubbed his shoulder and then gently rubbed his face. I closed my eyes and cried as I ran my hand across the side of his face. I thought about how this was the closest I would get to rubbing my babies. That I could still feel them if I closed my eyes and rubbed Chris' face...because my babies were part of me, and part of the space where my skin met his...was like my babies...part me, part him. I hope I explained that right, in my head I know exactly what I mean.

My post is a little eratic moving from topic to topic sorry thats how my mind works. We ordered David's headstone. We don't know the exact wording but how do you think about this?

Daddy & Mommy's Little Hero
David James Wood
Jan. 12th - Jan. 15th 2009
My Love Will Fly to You Each Night on Angels Wings...

Sunday, March 15, 2009

He Should Be In These Too...

We went and got family pictures taken on Saturday night. I wanted to get them done because Nadine is in CA right now for her spring break, and I was just anxious to do it before she left.

I thought about David through the pictures, but I wasn't upset until I saw the actual pictures. I remember being pregnant and so excited about the thought of family pictures with our new addition, our son.

I also remembered being pregnant with Alyssa and getting family pictures taken, thinking "Wow the next time we take pictures like this we will have a baby in them!" I have one family picture of me,Chris, Nadine, and Alyssa. But I will never have a picture of my whole family together, me and all my kids.

I miss my babies. I'm sad that David is not here to be in our pictures. Family pictures will never ever be the same for me, of course we will have them taken, but in my heart they aren't how they are supposed to be. There are people missing, and my heart is missing pieces, I'm not the person I was in our first family picture before Alyssa and David.

I've been having lots of dreams about David. I wake up upset and sometimes crying. The day of pictures I had been dreaming I was still pregnant and actually woke up and rubbed my belly before I realized I had been dreaming. I was relieved I had been in the bedroom by myself, I didn't want anyone to see what I had done and think I was going crazy. I try and keep a lot inside, this blog is the only place I am completley honest with my true feelings....

Friday, March 13, 2009

Prince David...

The picture of Prince David was drawn by my cousin Ron Cohee (google him!). We are going to be ordering David's headstone next week, and this is the drawing going on it. Could it be anymore precious? It even looks like our baby boy. I am so thankful for it.

I am also including a pic of Alyssa's headstone so you all can see the Prince matches her Princess. They will look beautiful together.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009


This post might be jumbled...I'm not sure how to explain everything in my mind right now. I am thinking more about life, and how I wanted my life to be (my 30th birthday is on the 19th and I'm having a hard time with it).

By 30 I was supposed to be married CHECK! I was supposed to have atleast 2 babies CHECK! But I never imagined my babies wouldn't be here with me. I have a lot to be thankful with just in my husband, he really does treat me like a queen, something I've never had done before. He truly loves ME for who I am, just for me. I am thankful to have been raising a beautiful lil girl who I love as my own for the last 5 years. I love you Nadine.

Thinking about all this I started thinking about my daddy. We shared the same birthday, which is amazing in my mind. He was supposed to get a diamond ring on his birthday, and my mom says instead he got me :) My life started with death. My daddy died when I was 3. I remember that morning him leaning down kissing me and telling me "I love you Edith." He callled me Edith after Edith Bunker (All In The Family) because I had a lil squeeky voice.

I remember coming into the house after daycare and running to see my daddy. He was in bed and I can remember trying to wake him up, it's almost as if I can hear myself saying "Wake up Daddy!" and he didn't move. My daddy had died in his sleep. I remember his funeral, my mom holding me up to kiss him goodbye. These are my first memories.

So then my thoughts came to generations. Half of who made me, my daddy, died. All of what I've made, my sweet babies David and Alyssa, who I grew in my body, died. So where does that leave me? Where I've come from, and what I've created have all gone to Heaven. I don't know how to explain it but it kills me inside. Like I'm lost between them, I don't know where my place in the world is anymore. I am the last one. That hurts to the depths of my soul. They are together, my daddy has my babies. Watch over me.

Monday, March 9, 2009

I'm Supposed To Be...

Blogging about how big David is getting. How he is thriving and doing so good at home with his family. I am supposed to have the same followers I had when I was pregnant rejoicing with me that all the prayers kept David here with us.

Now, I'm not saying I don't believe in the power of prayer because I do!!! And I believe our prayers kept David here with us for the time he was given by God. I am thankful he didn't suffer more than he had to that last day. But I miss my son.

I wish I was writing a happy, inspiring blog. Not one of sadness, and mostly me talking about being depressed. I want people to be inspired by the strength David had for the time he was on this earth, and to remember him. I actually started blogging the day I found out I was pregnant (I had another blog page, I moved to this one when we found out David was sick).

I miss my son with such fierceness that I can't even explain it. I have up and down days, but the down days are more and when I say down, I mean DOWN DAYS. I want to stay in bed all day, I want to hold my bear that wears David's outfit from the hospital and sleep. I've started having lots of weird dreams and I don't know what they mean, and usually I can't remember the parts I think are important.

On a happy note, Chris bought me a laminator last night! I am going to start making the bookmarks at home, laminating them and sending them out as I have the funds to do it. I am so excited about Bookmarks of Love/Families of Angels. I hope to help as many families as possible. If you want to know more please look at my previous post.

I miss both my babies. I love you Alyssa and David. Help Mommy make it through today.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Bookmarks of Love..

I've found how I am going to give back! All angel families please join me, and visit my site just for my bookmarks. I am trying to get as many families to either share their stories, or allow me to put them on my blogroll.

Oh also please post on your own pages about it or let other angel mommies know! Please help me spread the word! But share the link of the other page not mine...thanks!

Saturday, March 7, 2009

Blankets for Babies...

I really feel deep in my heart I need to give something back to the hospital that David was in. It is a very large hospital here in Kansas City, and I was told that our story is repeated there on a daily basis. There are also so many babies there who are battling for their lives, born prematurely and with birth defects of all kinds.

I am going to start crotcheting small blankets for the babies. It takes me about a day to do them, and I figure since I won't be looking for a job until the middle of April I could get a lot done.

David's blanket means so much to me. I slept with it the first two weeks, until I found a bear that his outfit he wore in the hospital while we held him fit perfectly on. Now I sleep with my boo bear. His blanket is folded neatly next to daddy's side of the bed on the book shelf. I think Daddy thinks it's his now...but we all know it's mine :) I'll share for now.

I am reaching out to all of you. Would you like to make blankets with me? Do you have suggestions about other things that I can do? Keep in mind I can't make beanies or anything other than blankets. The hospital does send out a packet with a baby book, and some other momentos and I was thinking of making book marks or something like that.

Does anyone want to help? Send me the blankets and I can donate them all at once? Or another idea you have to donate to these babies that will eventually go to be with our Lord, and their parents need so much support.

If I had enough people who would like to help, I might even make another page, give us a name, and add all our pages to the blog roll so the parents can read all our stories and maybe find some comfort in knowing there are other families who understand.

Please leave a comment, and maybe I can organize this better.


Thursday, March 5, 2009

God takes away your sadness....mouths of babes...

We were driving in the car and I was crying. I cry randomly for no reason except missing my children, and Nadine know's when I cry it's for David.

"You know what Mommy?" she said to me. I tried to stop my tears and asked her what she was thinking.

"We need to go to church. God takes away all the sadness. You need him to take away your sadness Mommy, you need God."

I was overwhelmed with emotion. She was so right! I've been talking about church, but when this 6 year old lil girl told me this I knew God was speaking through her.

We are buying another car next week. Church will be starting as soon as I have a car!

p.s. the graphic just reminded me of me and David and Alyssa!

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Nadine's 6th Birthday!

Dear Peanut,

Mommy loves you so much Peanut! Happy 6th Birthday! Today was a good day and I was so happy to be the one who woke you up and was able to tell you HAPPY BIRTHDAY! You are such a beautiful, smart, funny girl. Daddy and Mommy are so proud of you for how good you do in school.

I want to thank you (even though Mommy looses my patience sometimes) for being my daughter. I know it's confusing to you right now having two mommies, and it's hurting you. But someday I hope you feel lucky that I was the one who raised you, that having two mommies was a blessing in your life.

I want you to grow up never ever doubting my love for you. I know I cry alot for your baby brother and sister, but I love you NO MATTER WHAT! You will always be my baby girl, I've had you since diapers and bottles. No one in this world has ever spent as much time with you as Mommy. And I am grateful for every minute of it.

Mommy prints my blog and saves it. I hope someday you see this and know my love for you is more than words and unconditional! I love you Dini Butt!

Saturday, February 28, 2009

I Only Cry When He's Gone...

The majority of time I cry and mourn is when Chris is at work. My devestation over the pain Chris goes through because our babies died kills me inside. No matter what anyone says I feel like I have this huge guilt, that I've put him through so much and caused him so much pain.

So if for no one else, I try and keep my crying away from Chris. When he see's me cry I see the sadness in his eyes and it makes me feel so low, so guilty. The days he is home from work I try my hardest not to think about everything, not to cry. I catch myself staring at the wall, or at the pictures of David, my mind just blank.

The days I'm home alone I always cry. I try and let it all out, but sometimes I feel like I'm just not crying enough. I need to let it all out, it still feels unreal.

As for the counseling, I found a foundation that does parent and child counseling and am going to be getting the info this week. I hope we qualify to go. I need help.

Friday, February 27, 2009

Missing Him...

I just miss David so much. How does a heart still beat when so much when so much of it is missing? How can a heart endure so much pain and still beat?

How can anyone want to just read about how sad and depressed I am forever? I still havent found counseling, working on that. Need it badly...

I miss you so much David, Mommy doesnt know how to go on without you. Or with the fact you will never grow up here with us. Or that I may never ever have another baby, even though you are the one I want. You weren't supposed to die baby boy, they said you would live.

Boo Bear...Mommy needs you to be here with me I need you baby boy....

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

David's Baby Book...

I am going to start David's baby book, and the one thing I really want to do is print out the guestbook from his web page. BUT...I would like to get more entries in it. I'm at #36 right now, and would love to get it to atleast 75-100. So please please so sign it if you haven't it would mean so much :)

Also I have a memorial page for David & Alyssa on MySpace, if you would like to add it and comment pictures there I would LOVE that too! I am really obsessed with all this right now, I think it is part of the grieving and I just want everyone to see how beautiful he was, and Alyssa was and let them know (I know they see it all from Heaven) that we are all still thinking of them.

There is also a video of David on MySpace!
or you can find it under the email

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

So Beautiful....

The nurses from Children's Mercy sent me these molds today. When they said they had done molds, I expected the ones where you press the hand in clay like you do in school. I totally broke down.

David's little finger can always hold mine, like he did in the hospital. That's the first thing I did, put my finger in it and was so happy it was the perfect fit I remembered.

I made the graphic...thought the quote was perfect.

I did break down terribly when I got these, but I will cherish them forever. I am going to get glass cases to put them in I don't know what I would do if something happened to them.

Thank you Lynn at Children's Mercy!

My Days...

I do manage to get the dishes done everyday. And maybe vacuum every other day. And once in awhile straighten up the living room. But most of the day I just want to stay in bed. I want to sleep the day away so I don't have to deal with anything.

I don't want to be awake, crying about my babies. I don't want to be awake thinking about how I may never ever be able to have my own biological child. I don't want to sit here and stare into space for hours just thinking about David. I think about Alyssa too, but our time with her was so much shorter. I replay every single moment with David, I get mad that I didn't tell the hospital to screw itself I was staying with my baby every minute, I didn't care about their time pass.

I am calling about counseling today. I feel like I am falling apart, loosing my mind. Like I'm going to have a total break down soon. I feel it...

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Happy 1st Birthday in Heaven Alyssa...


Dear Alyssa,

Mommy misses you so much. I promise not to make this post sad, because today is your day baby girl. You are a year old in Heaven! You tell your Grandpa to take you and your baby brother and have a big party with all the people up there who love you. And there are lots of them! Besure to invite the babies (your friends Nicholas, Sophia, and Alexander...and your cousin Jacob...and even your Uncle Leslie).

A year ago today I laid in a hospital bed, scared, praying with all my might that you wouldn't come on this day. I wanted you to wait a lil longer so you could grow big and strong. But God had other plans, and now I see he spared you of the pain and suffering of this world. He loved you so much he took you home to be with Him. I say this and I believe it, but today is a very hard day for Mommy so please angel watch over me.

I'll never forget when you were born and I heard you cry. It was my secret for months, before I told anyone I had heard you. I didn't want to share it, I didn't want anyone but me to know your precious lil cry. When the nurses handed you to me you were so small, I was so scared. I didn't know how to hold you and all I wanted to do was see your face. Of course, it was already obvious you looked just like Daddy!

You had the prettiest long fingers I had ever seen. I couldn't stop looking at them, stroking them, holding them. Even though you were small, just one pound, you were so beautiful. You were just too tiny. Everything about you was perfect to me and Daddy. Nadine loved you so much too, and misses you everyday.

We are having a celebration for you today. Just me, Daddy, and Nadine. I'm making you a Disney Princess cake and we have some decorations :) I love you with all my heart, with more love than I could ever imagine having for anyone. Please watch over you baby brother David, keep him close and always stay together.

Happy 1st Birthday Princess Alyssa...