Thursday, June 11, 2009

Never be the same...

I've lived in Kansas City for 6 months now. We moved her for the sole purpose of being near the children's hospital for David. We don't know anyone, a few neighbors, and of course Chris has made friends at work.

Have I made friends? No. There are a million reasons. I don't like leaving the house, I've been very unsociable, I'm not the same person I was before. I don't even know if I am in the place to make new friends. The thought of getting to know a person who know's nothing about me, about my journey...scares me.

Any case, I met a girl down the street who is from CA like us and I was really excited! We had set up a pool for Nadine and invited her two small girls to swim. It was nice, sitting outside watching the girls splash and play. I was so happy that Nadine had someone to play with for once.

We talked, exchanged our backgrounds about living in CA and the difference living here. It was just nice. Then it happened.

"You are so lucky to just have one little girl." I smiled and told myself it was okay, she didn't know.

"She's the only one we have here, we would love our other children to be here too." I answered. I never know how to answer about David and Alyssa. I will NEVER deny them, but I am also don't want anyone who I don't really know, knowing about them. I don't want them to feel bad, or to feel sorry for me. I also don't want to keep my children a secret. Finding the right way, the right time is crucial for me when I meet new people.

I am afraid telling someone I have lost two children right from the start makes people step back. Maybe they think it's contatious? That they couldn't conceieve it ever happening to them, so they back off to ensure it doesn't. Now, not all people are the same.

"You just don't know how lucky you are not to have two small children. I can tell you it's nothing you would want to deal with!" she told me laughing.

Those two sentences made me realize I wasn't ready. I'm not ready to get to know someone, to open up and share. She has no idea what those words meant to me. I would give up everything I have my two small children here with me. There is nothing more I want, or ever will want. There is nothing else I cry over. There is nothing else that hurts as bad as not having my children with me.

It wasn't her fault at all. She seems nice, and I will be more than willing to chat while the girls play or swim. But I can't start a friendship yet. I'm not ready. I don't know if I will ever be ready to be friends with someone who doesn't understand me, who hasn't lost a child. It was a very sad discovery for me. Just another way life will never be the same again.

P.S. I have the pen pals matched up, and will be sending emails tomorrow. If you would like to be a snail mail pen pal with another angel mommy please read down a little on my page and send me a email with your info!


Michele said...

oh sweetie. i'm so sorry. i would have lost it and then she would have taken a step back. how insensitive... even if she didnt mean any harm.

i got your beautiful card last night. thank you so much. it is breathtaking and sits by my bed.

Karin said...

I just want to say to you that I love you and I am always here for you no matter what!