Friday, June 5, 2009

Fear...

I have so much fear in my life. It's like I am constantly anxious, or scared about something. I don't even like leaving the house that much unless I am with Chris and I know where we are going. I am suppossed to be looking for a job next week and I'm terrified!

I'm suppossed to be getting ready to take Nadine to this beautiful fountain not too far away. She is such a little ham and wants to take pictures constantly, and this is the perfect back drop. But I don't know if I can do it. I get so anxious, so nervous to leave. I don't have any real fears of something going wrong, or bad things happening...I just can't do it. And I'm so sad because she wants to go so bad, but Mommy feels like I'm loosing my mind.

I think about getting pregnant again. I want a baby in my arms with me so bad right now. I want David and Alyssa. I want to try again, but I am so terrified of loosing another baby. The doctor told me not to worry, "Next time will be different." But how do I know? I had such faith David would live, that he would come home with me...and he didn't.

I just don't know how to do it all.

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5 comments:

Michele said...

I think the fear about having other children is always present once you've lost a child. Nothing is safe anymore.

I'm more of a homebody, too, now. I just want to be in a place that I find safe, usually. And that is here. But you cant let the fear cripple you. If that is happening, then, as much as I'm not a therapy buff, I would say seek out someone that may be able to help you work through your anxiety. You dont want it to taint your time with Nadine or with Chris.

Tammy said...

Hey girl,
I don't know what your faith back ground is, but I wanted to tell you there is a great verse in the New TEstament...
II Timothy 1:6,7 Wherefore, I put thee in remembrance that thou stir up the gift of God, which is in thee by the putting on of my hands

(if I was there I would hug you)

... For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

The gift of God is eternal life and that is where your precious children are. Walking this life is hard, and I cannot imagine doing it outside of my relationship wiht Jesus Christ.

So I would love to share him with you. I pray that this terrible fear would leave you and that peace beyond understanding would fill your heart and mind.

May you have a wonderful day today. and know I am praying for you.

caitsmom said...

Fear can be overwhelming. Sending lots of love.

Rachel Dominguez said...

you are in my mind and thoughts constantly. I have to say that I have never lost a baby, but I have been through my own tramatic issues with being a wife of domestic violence, and even four years later....I STILL GO NO PLACE ALONE. I know i can do it, and I'm not afraid of HIM, I'm just afraid of Life in General. I went thru so much and so did my 3boys during the abuse and since I've been on my own, re-married, had another baby and separated again (due to not being able to move on and be strong or trust w/out fear) I am still a nervous wreck to go anywhere. As we speak, I am going on 5 weeks w/out going to the store cuz I dont wanna go alone.

I know that the time will come that you will feel ok again. I think having or trying for another baby would be a good idea. I think Allysa and David would want that for you and I think it would help you heal....NOT FORGET...just begin to heal.

If you ever need to talk...i am at luvfor9@gmail.com.

Prayers Always,

Amber said...

I've only just found you...but this post broke my heart. I am so very sorry for your loss. I can't imagine.