Saturday, February 28, 2009

I Only Cry When He's Gone...

The majority of time I cry and mourn is when Chris is at work. My devestation over the pain Chris goes through because our babies died kills me inside. No matter what anyone says I feel like I have this huge guilt, that I've put him through so much and caused him so much pain.

So if for no one else, I try and keep my crying away from Chris. When he see's me cry I see the sadness in his eyes and it makes me feel so low, so guilty. The days he is home from work I try my hardest not to think about everything, not to cry. I catch myself staring at the wall, or at the pictures of David, my mind just blank.

The days I'm home alone I always cry. I try and let it all out, but sometimes I feel like I'm just not crying enough. I need to let it all out, it still feels unreal.

As for the counseling, I found a foundation that does parent and child counseling and am going to be getting the info this week. I hope we qualify to go. I need help.

3 comments:

John Gensic said...

I pray for you every day. Hang in there.

Jenna

Michele said...

I know what you mean. I always feel 10 times worse breaking in front of Peter because he feels so helpless and I can see it. But, at the same time, if I dont and he finds out, he feels like I'm trying to hide my grief from him, and that hurts him too. Have you talked to Chris about how you feel, crying in front of him? It may help to bring it out into the open.

You guys are always on our thoughts, and we pray for all five of you, all the time.

JustMelisAll said...

Oh where to start... I have not been online in a very long time as I just cant afford the internet right now...
My dear I am so terribly sorry. I have been praying and hoping that you and your son were alright and I can not express how sorry I am for your loss. No mother should have to bury a child. I cried when i first discovered your loss as it rings all to familiar. My deepest sympathies to you and your family.