Friday, February 6, 2009

So Strong...

I've had many people comment on how strong I must be. I need to clear this up. I'm not strong. I'm a mess. To be perfectly honest I fall apart the minute my Nadine goes to school and Chris goes to work. It hurts my heart even more to see the look on Chris' face when he see's me cry, my pain is his pain. I feel so guilty, I don't want anyone to hurt and I still feel like it's all my fault, no matter what anyone tells me.

I'm not strong, I'm just making it day to day.

I still feel in shock, we drove by the children's hospital and I almost expected to stop, that David is still there waiting for his mommy to come hold his finger. I'm not strong, I'm questioning everyone and everything. I am saying WHY MY BABY!?!?!?! Why my David? My sweet precious handsome boy who always held onto Mommy's finger when I got there.

The only thing I am thankful for is he didn't suffer. That he didn't lead the life they put out there for us full of pain in growing and treatments. But I would have dedicated every minute of my life to take care of him, to make sure he was okay.

So please don't assume I'm strong. I'm broken, torn apart, hurting more than anyone person should hurt. I will never be the same person I was before, it's not possible. I might laugh and smile at times, but inside my heart is forever crushed. I will never be the same again.

Also if you are a mother who has lost a child and blogs about it, please leave me a message so I can add you to my blog list and follow your journey as well. Thank you...

4 comments:

Michele said...

It sucks. There are no words to mince. I remember getting so angry whenever people said that to me. I felt like yelling "Can't you see the real me is barely hanging on? That when my children died I died with them?" Now, I usually say something smart back, something typically along the lines of "To you".

We are forced to live in a world that isn't made to fit us. People don't want us to hurt (nor do we want to inflict hurt on them by letting them see us suffer). They presume we are tough enough to withstand the pain and that, eventually, we get over it. They are wrong. It isn't their fault. Before we had suffered this, would we have known what to say? What to do? Or would we have thought that, by telling the grieving parent who had it together "You are so strong", we were encouraging them? By telling them "I don't see how you do it" that we would be sympathizing?

When I was growing up, I remember one of my grandmothers and her friends talking about another eldgerly woman on her block. "It's so sad... She just fell apart after he son died. What a sad, sad woman she is." I'd rather be the strong woman whose children live on through her than the woman they pitied. As much as I want to just hide, the thought that my children would die in memory as well as this life would be just too much to bear.

Thinking of you, Nikki, and sending you hugs today...

Brenna's Mom said...

I have found that blogging has helped tremendously with the loss of my daughter. It is the most healing that I have done.

Rachel said...

I am praying for you and your family!!!!

Rachel (Lee's Summit, MO)
lovefor9.blogspot.com
luvfor9@gmail.com

Carla Burlando said...

I'm so sorry you lost little David. I came across your first blog and had no idea he passed away until I followed it to Davids updates...I was so sad for you. We lost our first son to Trisomy 18 and I have also lost a baby to miscarriage but I can't imagine leaving the hospital without a baby twice! There is nothing fair about it, nothing in it that will ever make sense. I'm so sorry. I pray that someday you will know the joy of bringing home a healthy baby! Its ok not to feel strong, that saying that God doesn't give us more than we can handle is not really true.... but we can be assured that He doesn't give us more than He can handle. You don't have to be strong right now...you just need to live one day at a time.