I've had many people comment on how strong I must be. I need to clear this up. I'm not strong. I'm a mess. To be perfectly honest I fall apart the minute my Nadine goes to school and Chris goes to work. It hurts my heart even more to see the look on Chris' face when he see's me cry, my pain is his pain. I feel so guilty, I don't want anyone to hurt and I still feel like it's all my fault, no matter what anyone tells me.
I'm not strong, I'm just making it day to day.
I still feel in shock, we drove by the children's hospital and I almost expected to stop, that David is still there waiting for his mommy to come hold his finger. I'm not strong, I'm questioning everyone and everything. I am saying WHY MY BABY!?!?!?! Why my David? My sweet precious handsome boy who always held onto Mommy's finger when I got there.
The only thing I am thankful for is he didn't suffer. That he didn't lead the life they put out there for us full of pain in growing and treatments. But I would have dedicated every minute of my life to take care of him, to make sure he was okay.
So please don't assume I'm strong. I'm broken, torn apart, hurting more than anyone person should hurt. I will never be the same person I was before, it's not possible. I might laugh and smile at times, but inside my heart is forever crushed. I will never be the same again.
Also if you are a mother who has lost a child and blogs about it, please leave me a message so I can add you to my blog list and follow your journey as well. Thank you...