I don't know how to explain it other than I am in constant fear. I am scared during the day, at night, everytime of day. I don't know what I am afraid of or how to stop it. I don't even really like to leave the house. I don't think I've been to the grocery store in over a month. I do leave the house of course, but only when I find that I have to.
I have my anti-anxiety meds, but I don't think they help as much as I need. I haven't taken my anti depressants and I wonder would they stop this? I need to start looking for a job soon...but I'm scared! Scared of having to work with people..people who will actually talk to me.
I am scared of being so scared.
I am afraid of the future, and in constant grief over the past.
I miss my babies more than ever. Yesterday was 3 months since David was born. What a wonderful Easter it would have been with him in my arms on his 3 month birthday. I remember things getting a little more normal around this time after I lost Alyssa, but it seems I am getting worse as times goes on now. I feel like I am locked inside my head, scared...alone...and so sad. I miss my son more than my heart can handle, and my mind is not able to cope with any of this.