Monday, April 13, 2009

Constant Fear...

I don't know how to explain it other than I am in constant fear. I am scared during the day, at night, everytime of day. I don't know what I am afraid of or how to stop it. I don't even really like to leave the house. I don't think I've been to the grocery store in over a month. I do leave the house of course, but only when I find that I have to.

I have my anti-anxiety meds, but I don't think they help as much as I need. I haven't taken my anti depressants and I wonder would they stop this? I need to start looking for a job soon...but I'm scared! Scared of having to work with people..people who will actually talk to me.

I am scared of being so scared.

I am afraid of the future, and in constant grief over the past.

I miss my babies more than ever. Yesterday was 3 months since David was born. What a wonderful Easter it would have been with him in my arms on his 3 month birthday. I remember things getting a little more normal around this time after I lost Alyssa, but it seems I am getting worse as times goes on now. I feel like I am locked inside my head, scared...alone...and so sad. I miss my son more than my heart can handle, and my mind is not able to cope with any of this.

1 comment:

Michele said...

Oh honey... I'm so sorry. I remember having moments where I couldnt deal with things or people at all. I was so angry at Peter when he would try to convince me to go out and do something. Looking back, I know it was killing him too, but he saw that if we didnt get out and force ourselves, we wouldnt do it. It's so hard, but fight your natural urge and get out- even if just for a second. Even if just to go to church or to the grocery store. Something simple and finite.

My chest would ache everytime I stepped out the front door. But it was something that had to be done. Be gentle with yourself, though. You dont want to force yourself into something that, emotionally, you arent ready for. If you can only get out and go to church for an hour each week- do that and nothing else. The other things will come.

Dear one, I dont think it gets easier. I think we just learn how to live new lives... different lives... Don't expect to go back to your old self; she doesnt exist anymore. I know the old me died with my children. But the new me has to live for them. We can do this. We have to.

Sending you big hugs.