Genetic Testing Back...

First off I haven't posted in awhile because my best friends and their kids were here from CA for a week. It was so nice to have them here, but at the same time my heart ached. They had planned to come when I was pregnant, they were supposed to be here seeing David. That killed me on the inside, he should be here with us. He should have been in my arms...I wanted to be that proud Mommy showing off her son. My heart aches for him in the most terrible way.

I called the children's hospital day before yesterday to get the last of the genetic tests they performed when David was born. They were looking for a gene that causes hydrocephalus in boys, and it wasn't there! Also all the other tests they ran don't show any cause of genetic issues.

This means that with the testing they can do, nothing genetic shows. Is it possible that it was genetic? Yes...but we won't know for sure. Is it possible that it was just something that happened? Yes...but we will never know. I was told that if I choose to get pregnant again to start taking folic acid before I concieve, and to make sure that from 18 weeks on I have frequent ultrasounds to monitor for any abnormalities.

Chris is thrilled we can have another baby. I am scared, unsure, and still grieving for the baby I desperatley want to be in my arms. We are going to wait a few months atleast to decide. I want to give my husband the baby he so wants, and I want to...but I am scared of letting everyone down a 3rd time...of having a baby who suffers or is in pain in any way. I'm so confused, so hurt, so sad.