Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Dreaming of how it should be

I can't help but remember last year's Dec. 22nd date. It was the first time we put Nadine on a plane to CA to see her biological mother by court order. My heart broke as I watched her walk down the aisle of the airplane, so grown up and so confident that she was gonna be okay.

To get myself through the pain and missing of Nadine, I thought of how the next Christmas would be. I knew for sure we would celebrate early, but there was no way I wanted Nadine to miss her baby brother's first Christmas. I could imagine taking them to get pictures with Santa, and knew we would be the happiest family you would ever meet. Our David would be over his heart surgeries, and at home proving to us everyday he wasn't going anywhere.

This Christmas I do not allow myself the thoughts of what the next one will bring. In a perfect world I would be busy running around after a 22 month old and an 11 month old. Planning Christmas, shortly followed by a 1st birthday, a 2nd birthday, and a 7th birthday, one each month. I miss my children more than I can ever express. I miss the laughter, the giggles, the crys, the whining, the everything of which I was suppossed to have.

On a happier note I had another ultrasound and the baby is measuring perfect at 10.2 weeks. We saw it waving and moving up a storm!


Trennia said...

that's great!

caitsmom said...

(((hugs))) Glad your baby is waving and moving! Sending hopes for a peaceful and gentle holiday as you navigate through both sorrow and joy. Peace.

Michele said...

I feel those feelings... Knowing what you miss.. I feel like I should be planning a 2nd birthday, have just celebrated a 1st birthday, and have the 15 week old peanuts to look after... And instead.... I have the peanuts. And I love them completely. But I miss their siblings too.

So glad your little one is measuring well!! Woo Hoo!

Trennia said...

Merry Christmas!