Generations...

This post might be jumbled...I'm not sure how to explain everything in my mind right now. I am thinking more about life, and how I wanted my life to be (my 30th birthday is on the 19th and I'm having a hard time with it).

By 30 I was supposed to be married CHECK! I was supposed to have atleast 2 babies CHECK! But I never imagined my babies wouldn't be here with me. I have a lot to be thankful with just in my husband, he really does treat me like a queen, something I've never had done before. He truly loves ME for who I am, just for me. I am thankful to have been raising a beautiful lil girl who I love as my own for the last 5 years. I love you Nadine.

Thinking about all this I started thinking about my daddy. We shared the same birthday, which is amazing in my mind. He was supposed to get a diamond ring on his birthday, and my mom says instead he got me :) My life started with death. My daddy died when I was 3. I remember that morning him leaning down kissing me and telling me "I love you Edith." He callled me Edith after Edith Bunker (All In The Family) because I had a lil squeeky voice.

I remember coming into the house after daycare and running to see my daddy. He was in bed and I can remember trying to wake him up, it's almost as if I can hear myself saying "Wake up Daddy!" and he didn't move. My daddy had died in his sleep. I remember his funeral, my mom holding me up to kiss him goodbye. These are my first memories.

So then my thoughts came to generations. Half of who made me, my daddy, died. All of what I've made, my sweet babies David and Alyssa, who I grew in my body, died. So where does that leave me? Where I've come from, and what I've created have all gone to Heaven. I don't know how to explain it but it kills me inside. Like I'm lost between them, I don't know where my place in the world is anymore. I am the last one. That hurts to the depths of my soul. They are together, my daddy has my babies. Watch over me.