Monday, September 28, 2009

What do you do when you don't know yourself anymore?

I know with all my heart that I love my husband, and he is the one meant for me.
I know I love Nadine more than words could ever say, she is my daughter no matter who she was born to. I am her mommy and that's all that counts. I know she loves me as much as I love her.
I don't know who I am anymore though. I don't know what I like, what I want, who I am supposed to be.
I am supposed to be at home with my babies. I am supposed to be changing diapers, making bottles, and cuddling with my kids.
I am not supposed to be like this.  Crying and sadness weren't supposed to be my whole life. This isn't fair and it's not the way it was supposed to be.
Nadine said to me "Mommy we would still live in our nice house if David wasn't sick." It broke my heart. All I could think of was my pretty 3 bedroom house, and how David was supposed to be sleeping in his own room, how cute I would have decorated it.
But nothing is going to be the same, nothing is going to heal this pain I have.
I don't know what to do anymore, who I am.


Michele said...

Oh honey... There have been so many days that I couldnt even imagine who I was because the person in the mirror couldnt possibly be me looking back. I remember saying to Peter "I dont know who that is anymore" and he said to me "You are my wife; you are their mother." It's the only thing I can define myself by; the grief has taken so much else away.

You are Chris's wife. You are Nadine's mother. You are Alyssa's mother. You are David's mother. The details... They are everything else...

caitsmom said...

Oh dear, (((Nikki))). I wish I could reach through and give you a big hug. I know those feelings of loss of identity and the never ending missing. Sending you hugs. I'm so sorry. Peace.