I've been wrestling with the thoughts in my head the last couple weeks. Do I go on with this blog? I'm so attached to it, but I keep thinking at some point do people just want me to get over being sad and move on? How many posts about me being depressed, missing my babies, always being down...do people really want to read?
I don't know if this is all just me being so depressed, more than I really want to admit to anyone. I don't know how to tell Chris just how torn up inside I am, how some...no most days not wanting to even get out of bed, not having the energy to do anything. I've just sent an email to a organization here that does individual and family counseling for families with children who have suffered a loss.
I've got so much anxiety, and panicky all the time. I don't even like to leave the house. I can't explain it to anyone, but to all of you out there who read my blog. I feel like I'm letting my family down and I can't even tell them how I feel. Inside I know they must think I'm just lazy and don't want to do anything. But my body won't let me. I don't want to be like this but I am overcome physically and mentally with sadness.
This week my sister (she's my cousin but my mom raised her) had her baby girl, Alivia. I was pregnant with David when she found out she was pregnant too. I saw the picture of her beautiful baby girl and cried. I truly am so happy for her, she deserves happiness. It was the sight of her holding her baby that got to me. I never had the chance to just hold my babies and not think about how they were leaving me. I hate that the pure joyous moment of having a baby handed to you after birth and just being able to be happy and love your baby were taken from me.
I'm terrified and excited at the fact that I could be working on TTC #4. While we aren't doing anything to track ovulation, blah blah, we also aren't doing anything to prevent it. Chris wants another baby, and even though I do as well I am terrified. I hate that I have to be scared to be pregnant, it's not fair!
Please let me get over this...please allow me to get out of this depression. To be able to get up in the morning and be happy about it. I also went for a job interview at a temp agency, I so hope I can get back to work we need the money. But I'm terrified of being around lots of new people. Oh, there is so much I need to work on...give me the strength!