Friday, May 22, 2009

Do I Go On?

I've been wrestling with the thoughts in my head the last couple weeks. Do I go on with this blog? I'm so attached to it, but I keep thinking at some point do people just want me to get over being sad and move on? How many posts about me being depressed, missing my babies, always being people really want to read?

I don't know if this is all just me being so depressed, more than I really want to admit to anyone. I don't know how to tell Chris just how torn up inside I am, how most days not wanting to even get out of bed, not having the energy to do anything. I've just sent an email to a organization here that does individual and family counseling for families with children who have suffered a loss.

I've got so much anxiety, and panicky all the time. I don't even like to leave the house. I can't explain it to anyone, but to all of you out there who read my blog. I feel like I'm letting my family down and I can't even tell them how I feel. Inside I know they must think I'm just lazy and don't want to do anything. But my body won't let me. I don't want to be like this but I am overcome physically and mentally with sadness.

This week my sister (she's my cousin but my mom raised her) had her baby girl, Alivia. I was pregnant with David when she found out she was pregnant too. I saw the picture of her beautiful baby girl and cried. I truly am so happy for her, she deserves happiness. It was the sight of her holding her baby that got to me. I never had the chance to just hold my babies and not think about how they were leaving me. I hate that the pure joyous moment of having a baby handed to you after birth and just being able to be happy and love your baby were taken from me.

I'm terrified and excited at the fact that I could be working on TTC #4. While we aren't doing anything to track ovulation, blah blah, we also aren't doing anything to prevent it. Chris wants another baby, and even though I do as well I am terrified. I hate that I have to be scared to be pregnant, it's not fair!

Please let me get over this...please allow me to get out of this depression. To be able to get up in the morning and be happy about it. I also went for a job interview at a temp agency, I so hope I can get back to work we need the money. But I'm terrified of being around lots of new people. Oh, there is so much I need to work on...give me the strength!


Michele said...

It's so hard. And fighting depression on top of grief isnt easy. Dont worry about "moving on". Your life is different now. And grieving is its own process that you have to work through. That's okay. Dont feel forced to move at someone else's pace.

Pregnancy scares the hell out of me. As I think it does anyone who has suffered a loss. We know the dark side. There isnt just happy thoughts anymore. It's a process to get through.

Sending you hugs...

Suzie said...

If this blog is what makes you feel even a little bit of peace, and comfort, I say keep going. I too struggled with if I should continue. I decided that you know what, this blog is for me, and it is for MY healing. If people don't want to read what I am going through, then, they can stop reading. Do it for you...not for your readers. I would keep writing my blog, even if no one read it. It is my outlet. I hope you continue writing, because I will continue reading. Chin up friend. You can make it.

Your friend,
Cooper's Momma

Trennia said...

keep blogging you never know when you will help someone that needs it!

Rachel said...

Talking about your feelings is the best thing for you! That is why we are here. For you, your life. Nothing you could say or do would run your (blogging friends) away. I pray for you every day. I pray that you can have a healthy baby one day. It can happen, you just have to believe.

Dont stop blogging!!! We love you!

PS...I was wondering how your cousins little girl is doing. I havent seen any resent updates and I want to know what to specifically pray for.

my email addy is
Let them know that I am praying for Kayla also!

Courtney said...

no keep posting! it will give enouragement to others because youre emotions are on here and they will be able to relate and say 'THATs hOW I FEEL!!'