His Toes...

His toes were just like Mommy's.

As I was riding in the car with Chris yesterday I started thinking of David's chubby little toes. They were just like mine, he had the gab between the big toe and the next one that I've been teased about by my husband...and some others.

I was once told I had monkey toes. Haha, I don't know if that was meant to be mean which I'm hoping it wasn't. It was funny, and since I was told that I giggle at the thought. Is there not suppossed to be a gap between your big toe and the others? The people I know claim there isn't! And well when I look at others toes I realize they aren't all the same.

David had chubby toes with a gap. Just like Mommy.

And it hurts that I will never kiss those toes. I will never tickle those toes. I will never rub those feet. I will never see those toes grow into the toes of a toddler, or the toes of a man. I miss those toes so much it brings me to tears.

On another note, I've started working. I was very nervous being around new people but I made it through the week! I'm a loan officer for a pay day internet loan company. It's pretty easy, and keeps me busy. Plus we needed the extra income. So if I'm not commenting a lot, or not posting as much as I should, please know I am still reading everyone's blogs, I'm just in the background for awhile!

Never be the same...

I've lived in Kansas City for 6 months now. We moved her for the sole purpose of being near the children's hospital for David. We don't know anyone, a few neighbors, and of course Chris has made friends at work.

Have I made friends? No. There are a million reasons. I don't like leaving the house, I've been very unsociable, I'm not the same person I was before. I don't even know if I am in the place to make new friends. The thought of getting to know a person who know's nothing about me, about my journey...scares me.

Any case, I met a girl down the street who is from CA like us and I was really excited! We had set up a pool for Nadine and invited her two small girls to swim. It was nice, sitting outside watching the girls splash and play. I was so happy that Nadine had someone to play with for once.

We talked, exchanged our backgrounds about living in CA and the difference living here. It was just nice. Then it happened.

"You are so lucky to just have one little girl." I smiled and told myself it was okay, she didn't know.

"She's the only one we have here, we would love our other children to be here too." I answered. I never know how to answer about David and Alyssa. I will NEVER deny them, but I am also don't want anyone who I don't really know, knowing about them. I don't want them to feel bad, or to feel sorry for me. I also don't want to keep my children a secret. Finding the right way, the right time is crucial for me when I meet new people.

I am afraid telling someone I have lost two children right from the start makes people step back. Maybe they think it's contatious? That they couldn't conceieve it ever happening to them, so they back off to ensure it doesn't. Now, not all people are the same.

"You just don't know how lucky you are not to have two small children. I can tell you it's nothing you would want to deal with!" she told me laughing.

Those two sentences made me realize I wasn't ready. I'm not ready to get to know someone, to open up and share. She has no idea what those words meant to me. I would give up everything I have...to have my two small children here with me. There is nothing more I want, or ever will want. There is nothing else I cry over. There is nothing else that hurts as bad as not having my children with me.

It wasn't her fault at all. She seems nice, and I will be more than willing to chat while the girls play or swim. But I can't start a friendship yet. I'm not ready. I don't know if I will ever be ready to be friends with someone who doesn't understand me, who hasn't lost a child. It was a very sad discovery for me. Just another way life will never be the same again.

P.S. I have the pen pals matched up, and will be sending emails tomorrow. If you would like to be a snail mail pen pal with another angel mommy please read down a little on my page and send me a email with your info!

Fear...

I have so much fear in my life. It's like I am constantly anxious, or scared about something. I don't even like leaving the house that much unless I am with Chris and I know where we are going. I am suppossed to be looking for a job next week and I'm terrified!

I'm suppossed to be getting ready to take Nadine to this beautiful fountain not too far away. She is such a little ham and wants to take pictures constantly, and this is the perfect back drop. But I don't know if I can do it. I get so anxious, so nervous to leave. I don't have any real fears of something going wrong, or bad things happening...I just can't do it. And I'm so sad because she wants to go so bad, but Mommy feels like I'm loosing my mind.

I think about getting pregnant again. I want a baby in my arms with me so bad right now. I want David and Alyssa. I want to try again, but I am so terrified of loosing another baby. The doctor told me not to worry, "Next time will be different." But how do I know? I had such faith David would live, that he would come home with me...and he didn't.

I just don't know how to do it all.

P.S. If you want to be an angel mommy pen pal please read the previous post, I hope to have more people sign up! Please send your info!