OMG! BFP!

I'm pregnant.

I haven't been to the doctor yet, but I did go in for a urine test to confirm it. The lady said it is real faint so I'm probably not that far along.

I am of course thrilled....but...I'm scared. I don't have a lot of words.

Please, please pray that this baby is born healthy, and I have an uneventful pregnancy!!!!

Also, friends and family who read this please don't tell anyone yet! I am posting this for prayer requests, I need all I can get. I will announce the pregnancy in real life in a couple weeks when I've been to the doctor.

A baby...my baby...oh how nice that sounds!

Online Bible Study?

Does anyone know of a good, easy online bible study? Something I can do at my own pace with a couple friends, that has questions and stuff to study?

If anyone know's thanks in advance!

Candles...

Sophia

Nicholas

Alexander

Alyssa

David

Nadine wrote all the names on the candle!

Remembering all of our babies tonight. A candle burns in my heart for every parent who has lost a baby...for your baby left us before we could hold them...for your baby that you held so tight and prayed so hard for, and yet they still are in Heaven now...for all the babies...

I wish I could light a candle for every baby that I've been touched by. In my heart there are a million lil candles burning...

The candles I lit tonight are for the babies who are nearest to my heart. My own babies, and my friend Michele's babies as well...I remember them all every day, every minute, every second of my life...

In loving memory of David, Alyssa, Nicholas, Sophia, and Alexander.

Please Pray With Me...

Please pray with my my husband goes with me to church next Sunday. It's been a long time for both of us, but I pray we can find some healing. He needs some peace in his heart, and I'm hoping church can help us.

If you are in the Kansas City area please come to! I found this info when looking for Oct 15th info! I have never been to this church, but I am looking forward to it.

Pregnancy & Infant Loss Service October 18th, 2009
Heartland Church of Christ
6120 NW Prairie View Road
Kansas City, MO 64151(just off of I-29 at 64th Street)
Worship Service will focus on Pregnancy and Infant Loss
Come be with other parents and families who have also experienced the loss of a baby.

What do you do when you don't know yourself anymore?

I know with all my heart that I love my husband, and he is the one meant for me.

 

I know I love Nadine more than words could ever say, she is my daughter no matter who she was born to. I am her mommy and that's all that counts. I know she loves me as much as I love her.

 

I don't know who I am anymore though. I don't know what I like, what I want, who I am supposed to be.

 

I am supposed to be at home with my babies. I am supposed to be changing diapers, making bottles, and cuddling with my kids.

 

I am not supposed to be like this.  Crying and sadness weren't supposed to be my whole life. This isn't fair and it's not the way it was supposed to be.

 

Nadine said to me "Mommy we would still live in our nice house if David wasn't sick." It broke my heart. All I could think of was my pretty 3 bedroom house, and how David was supposed to be sleeping in his own room, how cute I would have decorated it.

 

But nothing is going to be the same, nothing is going to heal this pain I have.

 

I don't know what to do anymore, who I am.

Memorial Service at Hospital

We went to a memorial service for Children's Mercy Hospital where David was at. It was so sad seeing all of the families who have lost children over the years. Some older, lots of babies, and some in between. They did a very nice slideshow and showed all the children's pictures including David's.

 

To say the least it was very emotional for Chris and I. We are still in such deep mourning over both our babies, I really don't know how either one of us has survived this. 

 

At the end of the ceremony everyone went outside to do a butterfly release. Me, Chris, and Nadine all had butterflies in little white boxes and were told to shout our children's names as we released the butterflies. Nadine loved it, and cried out "David!!!" as her butterfly flew away.

 

My butterfly was dead.

 

I was devestated.

 

How fitting right...dead butterfly...it's just not fair...

Write a book?

I'm thinking of writing a book. I've been thinking of it for awhile, and it will be a long process. I've been blogging since the day I found out I was pregnant with David. I want to write the book with all my entries, and with additional thoughts and writings in between, as well as pictures.

 

I am thinking of doing this on my own, selling it only on my blog for just what it costs me to get it printed and mail out. Kinko's will print and bind anything, that's probably how I would do it.

 

Now I need to know, how many people think they would want to read my story from the very first day?

 

Are there any other baby loss mama's out there who would like to be included in the book? Would you like to write chapters to be included in the book?

 

Give me any ideas you have!

 

I think a book of stories of other women who have gone through loss would be a great idea to give to new mother's in our circle, a way for them to see there are other people who understand.