Saturday, May 30, 2009

Snail Mail Pen Pals?

I love getting mail, and I love writing letters. I also like getting to know other "angel mom's" who understand the road I've been traveling as a mother without her babies. SO! Who wants to be a snail mail pen pal?

I've been thinking about it and we could start off our snail mail friendship with a letter opening your heart up about your babies. Explain to your new friend how you lost your babies, how you memorialize them now. Explain how it has changed your family. Exchange pictures!

If you are interested, we could start a "Snail Mail Club" and I could help match angel mommy's up with another angel mommy. We could pick themes for the month and write to each other based on a commonly decided upon theme. We can have "secret" pals and exchange small gifts. There is so much we could do!

If you are interested and want to participate please email me the following info -

1. Your First & Last Name:
2. Your Mailing Address:
3. Your Email:
4: Brief Explanation of your angels in Heaven (Names, How Far Along/How Old):
5. Blog URL:

I will leave this open over the weekend and see how many people we get to sign up!

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Divine Moments

I am going to start my own blog tradition! To start my week off right I am going to post from my "Divine Moments for Women" everyday inspiration from God book. I am going to start this post (which will be monday's from now on) with 'depression'.


My Question for God...
Where can I find inspiration and encouragement in times of depression?

A Moment with God...
Even in darkness I cannot hide from you. PSALM 139:12

Jesus said, "Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest." MATTHEW 11:28

No power in the sky above or in the earth below - indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to seperate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord. ROMANS 8:39

Sooner or later most of us experience some form of depression. It can descend slowly and hang in the air like an all-day rain. It can overwhelm like an avalanche of darkness. It can be the result of a specific experience of failure or loss, or it can invade your mind for no discernable reason. No matter how low you get, there is no depth to which you can descend that God is not present with you. Even if you don't feel his presence, He has not abandoned you. God can use your depression to get you to slow down and rest long enough to be with Him. As you meet with Him in prayer and with an open Bible, you welcome the Holy Spirit to do his work of comfort, transformation, and encouragement - often in ways you cannot explain. The light of God's comforting presence can drive the darkness of depression from your soul

Divine Promise

Saturday, May 23, 2009


I got a postcard in the mail today addressed to David. For the NICU reunion.

I can't stop crying.

Nothing in this world would mean more to me than to take my baby boy to the reunion. BUT I CAN'T!!!!

I'm going over the deep end...I'm so sad.

Friday, May 22, 2009

Do I Go On?

I've been wrestling with the thoughts in my head the last couple weeks. Do I go on with this blog? I'm so attached to it, but I keep thinking at some point do people just want me to get over being sad and move on? How many posts about me being depressed, missing my babies, always being people really want to read?

I don't know if this is all just me being so depressed, more than I really want to admit to anyone. I don't know how to tell Chris just how torn up inside I am, how most days not wanting to even get out of bed, not having the energy to do anything. I've just sent an email to a organization here that does individual and family counseling for families with children who have suffered a loss.

I've got so much anxiety, and panicky all the time. I don't even like to leave the house. I can't explain it to anyone, but to all of you out there who read my blog. I feel like I'm letting my family down and I can't even tell them how I feel. Inside I know they must think I'm just lazy and don't want to do anything. But my body won't let me. I don't want to be like this but I am overcome physically and mentally with sadness.

This week my sister (she's my cousin but my mom raised her) had her baby girl, Alivia. I was pregnant with David when she found out she was pregnant too. I saw the picture of her beautiful baby girl and cried. I truly am so happy for her, she deserves happiness. It was the sight of her holding her baby that got to me. I never had the chance to just hold my babies and not think about how they were leaving me. I hate that the pure joyous moment of having a baby handed to you after birth and just being able to be happy and love your baby were taken from me.

I'm terrified and excited at the fact that I could be working on TTC #4. While we aren't doing anything to track ovulation, blah blah, we also aren't doing anything to prevent it. Chris wants another baby, and even though I do as well I am terrified. I hate that I have to be scared to be pregnant, it's not fair!

Please let me get over this...please allow me to get out of this depression. To be able to get up in the morning and be happy about it. I also went for a job interview at a temp agency, I so hope I can get back to work we need the money. But I'm terrified of being around lots of new people. Oh, there is so much I need to work on...give me the strength!

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Mother's Day From Heaven

I think I am going to spend the day in bed. I miss my babies so much, my heart can't handle it. I just want to sleep all day...for those of you who have all your children be THANKFUL! I found this poem and wanted to share it with those of you who have lost a prayers are with you!

Dandelions From Heaven
Mothers Day is coming...and I wanted to send you a sign...
Something you can tell others..."Is from an angel of mine".
So I searched the Heavens high and low for that perfect thing..
And low and behold I found it....and a smile I hope it will bring.

So when you look to the Heavens...and see the yellow stars in the sky...
Just think of me...your angel... in the Heavens way up high...
And just imagine those stars...are dandelions up above
...Yes! Dandelions are also in Heaven...,which you know how much I love.

So on this Mothers Day... when you awake and feel blue...
You will notice those yellow stars...are no longer in view...
So just look to the meadows and the dandelions you see....
Are the ones I've tossed down this Mothers Day from me!

And when you find a dandelion that has turned from yellow to white...
You're supposed to make a wish...and then blow with all your might.
For you will be blowing kisses... to me in Heaven above....
And I will be catching them and blowing them back...sent with all my love.

Please know that I am with you...on this Mothers Day...
And also in the days ahead...God and I will never stray...
We will be with you in the morning...when you wake and see the sun..
We will be with you when you say your prayers...when the day is done.

For God and I will never be...very far from your side...
For I can now be everywhere...and God will be your guide...
So...remember when you see dandelions...its your guarantee...
That I am alway close to you....
For dandelions are free to just like me.

I will always be with you Mom....
Happy Mothers Day
Love, Your Angel in Heaven.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Under Tree - April

Ok, so I am just a little late. I've just found Under Tree which I recommend to any mother who has experienced a loss!

How long has it been since you lost your child/ren? Has your grief changed at all? Is your life becoming any easier or is it just harder as time passes?
It has been 1 year and almost 3 months since I lost Alyssa, and almost 4 months since we lost David. My grief has changed in the sense that I am more at peace with Alyssa's passing (which I don't know whether I like or not). I realize she didn't have a chance and God took her without any pain, without any suffering. My grief for David goes up and down, I am torn up inside. He was a big baby, he lived for 4 days and we had such hope he would come home with us.

How do you feel when you see pregnant women when you are out and about?
I'm not angry at pregnant women, sometimes when I do see them I feel a bit jealous but I miss my pregnancies more than I am overtaken by theirs. I say a prayer they never go through what I went through.

Whats your therapy in the aftermath of losing your child/ren? Do you go to counseling? Do you do artwork or some kind of exercise or do you simply just let yourself be? What helps you?
I blog! I also journal on my own in my own writing. I have also turned to poetry alot, I love to find poetry that relates to the pain I feel. I do need regular counseling by a therapist at this time, but due to lack of insurance I am stuck.

Friday, May 1, 2009

Life Just Isn't Fair...

As we are nearing our March for Babies walk this Sunday I think it's just taking an emotional toll on me. I haven't been able to sleep, staying up until atleast 3 or 4AM just laying in bed praying I fall asleep, or even something that resembles it.

Last night I cried for a good hour thinking of David. I kept thinking about the lil brown bear he held in his arm the majority of the time he was in the hospital. We gave it to his uncle (also his namesake, Uncle David) because he wasn't able to hold David, so we wanted him to have what David held. I hope that makes sense.

All I could think about is where is the bear at in Uncle David's house? Does he take it out and look at it like I would? Does he kiss it and tell David he loves him? Is there a possibility when I am in California could I break into their house, find the bear and steal it with no one ever knowing it's me?

I miss David more than words can ever say. I hope I make it through the walk, seeing the Baby Blvd with a sign for each of our babies in Heaven along with all the other babies up there them.

I am also so emotional about my niece Kayla. Please please read her blog, I posted an update just awhile ago. She is going to have to have her leg amputated. This is all too much for me.