No More Christmas Here...

As some of you may or may not know, Nadine is not biologically mine. I have raised her and been Mommy since she was a year old, and I am the ONLY Mommy she knows. Her "egg donor" as I like to call her has been a drug addict, in jail, a liar and a thief who was never concerned enough to be in her life. We've attempted to let her see Nadine, to call her, but she never follows through with anything. Nadine has not seen her in 2 years.

Today, by a court order in California that we are trying to fight, we had to put Nadine on a plane to see this woman that claims she wants to be in her life. A woman who doesn't call for months at a time, doesn't follow through with coming to visit, who makes no effort to love this child. This child who is MY daughter.

We are currently fighting for modification of the visitation here in Missouri, but until this case is settled by law we have to go by the CA order. If we didn't put her on the plane today we risked loosing custody of Nadine all together and her being ripped away from us and taken to California with the egg donor. We can't risk loosing her.

Chris and I are devestated. We had to deal with Nadine being so upset today, my poor baby cried and cried until we got to the airport. Thankfully she was excited then and got on the plane no problem. I told Chris it's harder on us than her. I am so scared though. I talked to the lawyer from the other side who took full responsibility for making sure Nadine is sent back to us, which is our biggest fear.

My mind and body are broken right now. How do you deal with having to put your baby on a plane to go see someone she hardly remembers for Christmas? How is it fair that she has NEVER done anything for her yet she gets this special day and takes it away from us, her parents. I don't understand how the CA court doesn't understand that she needs to be re-introduced into her life through supervised visits and counseling, not to just let her have her because she said she wants to. It's NOT FAIR!

I am very very bitter and angry. More than I am letting on in this post. I am angry at the world. Angry that once things seem to be going good for us, we are let down once again. How much more can we take?

Please pray Nadine is okay while she is gone. She has never been away from us, and she is especially attached to her Daddy. I'm sad for us, but I'm even sadder that somehow this is going to change how Nadine is as a person, that it will affect her emotionally. Until today she didn't know how I became her Mommy. We never thought we would have to go into it so soon, since the egg donor never ever tried to be anything to her. Life isn't fair and I'm going to bed.