So Hopeful...

I have a phone conference next week to find out about the settlement for my car accident I was in October. If you don't remember, I had to have my ankle reconstructed and severed an artery in my head. I was 22 weeks pregnant with David and we had been so happy that he wasn't affected. It was about a month later we learned of his problems, the doctors have reassured me it had nothing to do with the accident.

We are not trying to be greedy by far. The girl who hit us (head on) admitted in the police report that she was driving too fast and reckless for the road conditions. But we are praying with all our might that they do us fair, and we get the money we need to get back on our feet. The car accident set us back so far, our truck was totalled, I couldn't work for awhile, and I was in a wheelchair for 2 months. It was VERY hard. Chris was even laid off because we didn't have a vehicle for awhile.

So please pray that we are treated fairly, and are able to get back on our feet. That we have enough money to get the headstone we want for David. That we are able to buy a bed, and a second car. That's all I'm asking for, even though I'm told we deserve a lot more.

Chris and I went to see movies yesterday before my mom leaves and we have no babysitter. We saw Notorious and Mall Cop. Mall Cop of course was hilarious. Notorious was a little hard at the end, seeing Biggie's mom in such pain talking about how a parent should NEVER bury their own child. I cried thinking bout burying two of my babies. It hurt to the core of my soul.

I didn't tell Chris or anyone, but on the way home I looked in the back seat and was overcome with emotion. Chris just held my hand like he does when I cry, but I didn't explain. All I could think of was that there should be a car seat there with David. That we had hoped he would be out of the hospital in a couple weeks, and it had been 14 days since he left us. Enough time that he shoulda been home with us. He should have been in the car with us, we shouldn't of been going to the movies, but doing something with our son. HE SHOULD BE HERE WITH US!!! The simple view of no car seat in my car can't get out of my head.

I miss you so much Boo Bear, my baby boy...

Just Here...

I know a lot of you check on my blog frequently and I just want you to know I'm just here. I've sat down and tried to blog some a couple times, and it has been too overwhelming. I'm numb from the inside out, I just still don't know how to accept David is gone.

I have been sleeping with the small blanket the hospital gave David when we were there, but I am so afraid I am going to ruin it, or that the yarn with unravel. So today my mom went and got the outfit we left David in at the hospital and I bought a bear to put it on. I will forever sleep with my Lil Hero bear.

I will try and write more soon, just give me some time. Thank you to all the people who have been there for me. An extra special thank you to Peter and Michele, daddy and mommy of Nicholas, Sophia, and Alexander. Our angels are together looking down on us. Your family has truly touched the lives of me and my husband. You have found a friend for life.

David's Page...

CLICK HERE FOR DAVID'S PAGE!

Please sign his guestbook, there are also more pictures on it. It's still under construction so bare with me!

Home Alone...

Today is my first day home alone. My mom has gone to see my brother about 2 hours away, Chris is at work, and for the first time since moving to Kansas City I walked Nadine to the bus stop. I don't know how the day is going to go from here, but I am hopeful I can keep myself together until Chris gets home.

I am numb. I still can't believe my beautiful son is gone. I wake up still thinking it's time to go to the hospital to see him. I just can't grasp the fact he isn't there waiting for Mommy to come see him. It wasn't supposed to be like this, it's not fair and it has me questioning everything about life and well just everything. We were given so much hope that David had problems, but that he would be fine with surgery.

When the doctor's told us about David's lungs, and that his chest cavity was too small to let his lungs grow anymore they had no idea we didn't know. The children's hospital thought we knew so much more than we did and it was devestating when they told us because we were blind to the truth of what was going on. They told us as we stood touching our baby and had to take us into a private room because I was hysterical.

Saying that though, the doctors and nurses were so good to my baby. They tried so hard and treated him so good. I don't know how the nurses can deal with babies dying on a regular basis and still be sane. I thank them from the bottom of my heart for being there with my baby when I couldn't, when I was still in the hospital.

I know David knew we loved him. Everytime I was there he held my finger with such force I couldn't pry it away, and there was no way I would have anyways. And Daddy would rub his chest as it beat so fast from the ventilator, and his little feet would always move. He was letting Daddy and Mommy know he knew we were there.

We are waiting on genetic testing to come back. It is a very strong possibility I will never be able to have another baby. It's too early to even think about it, and I only want David. He was supposed to be here with me...I was never prepared for this. It will kill me if there is something genetic passed on from me that caused all of this. Chris has healthy children so I know it's not him. I've never been able to.

Yesterday was also 11 months since our Alyssa left us. I miss her just as much as David, but the grieving is different. With Alyssa we knew there was nothing to do to save her, she was 22 weeks gestation and just too small. I don't know how to explain it but we knew she wouldn't make it no matter what. We spent the 3 hours we had with her loving her and telling her everything we needed to because we knew her time was limited. David was supposed to be here with us forever...

David's Memorial Card

Poem that we put inside -

GOD SAW THAT HE WAS GETTING TIRED
AND THE CURE WAS NOT TO BE.
SO HE PUT HIS ARMS AROUND HIM
AND WHISPERED, "COME BE WITH ME."

WITH TEARFUL EYES WE WATCHED HIM SUFFER
AND SAW HIM FADE AWAY
ALTHOUGH WE LOVED HIM DEARLY,
WE COULD NOT MAKE HIM STAY.

A GOLDEN HEART STOPPED BEATING,
BUSY LITTLE HANDS TO REST.
GOD BROKE OUR HEARTS TO PROVE TO US,
HE ONLY TAKES THE BEST.

IT'S LONESOME HERE WITHOUT YOU
WE MISS YOU SO EACH DAY,
OUR LIVES AREN'T THE SAME
SINCE YOU WENT AWAY.

WHEN DAYS ARE SAD AND LONELY,
AND EVERYTHING SEEMS TO GO WRONG,
WE SEEM TO HEAR YOU WHISPER,
"CHEER UP AND CARRY ON."

EACH TIME WE SEE YOUR PICTURE,
YOU SEEM TO SMILE AND SAY,
"DON'T CRY I'M IN GOD'S KEEPING,
WE'LL MEET AGAIN SOMEDAY."

Made it Through...

We made it through the funeral, the service was simply beautiful. It was the hardest thing to ever do. I am not going to post much right now, I just want to let you know that we have buried David and are now back in Kansas City.

The only thing I can be happy about is that they were able to bury David next to this sister, Alyssa. I am so relieved, so thankful. It had been a walkway next to her and they took it out just so they can be side by side. I can't believe I have two babies buried together. It is overwhelming.

The doctor has given me meds to deal with all this. I don't want to use them all the time, but I did take one awhile ago and am ready for bed. Time to curl up with David's blankie and just think about my precious son who I miss more than life itself.

I will be keeping this blog. Someone suggested I write my story, about loosing two babies and what I've been through. So I promise not to abandon this blog and all the people who loved David. Just give me some time.

Also a special thank you to the parents of Sophia, Nicholas, and Alexander. Your kindness brought me to my knee's I can't believe how beautiful the flowers are, and I have pictures to post of them.

Funeral Arrangements...

I've had emails about where to send flowers. David's funeral will be this Sunday, with viewing at 1, service to follow at 2.

Greenlawn Funeral Homes

3506 N National Ave
Springfield, MO 65803

He Was a Fighter...

He fought as hard as he could. He was so strong, he will forever be my hero. I could have never have asked for a more beautiful, perfect son.

David went to be with his big sister Alyssa in Heaven this morning. We spent as much time as we could with him, told him we loved him and held him.

The pain is too much right now. I just had to let everyone know.

David is here! Need URGENT PRAYERS!

I am in the family resource room at the children's hospital, so I am going to try and make this post as fast and with as much information as I can.

On Monday morning I went into the doctor's office for routine testing, and within 4 hours I had an emergency C-Section. David's heart wasn't reacting to the contractions the way the doctors wanted so they decided to take him right away. Believe me it was very fast and we didn't even have time to react to what was going on. As far as the birth went, it all went as planned and I made it through with no complications.

David weighed in at 9 pounds, 9 ounces! And he is considered a preemie being a month early. Biggest preemie I've ever heard of :) He is 21 inches long, and as handsome as ever. They transfered him to the children's hospital within a couple hours, but I was able to see him and Nadine got to see him as well which I am thankful for.

Now to the bad news. David's problems are more severe than we were ever told about. His brain hasn't hardly developed, the doctors aren't giving him much hope in ever being "normal" as they put it. The neurologist says that he has a very slim chance of maybe growing up and being able to function at any level. They are giving him high chances of having cerebral palsy, mental retardation, and other severe mental problems. They are also saying that at this point they think David may be blind. As for how we feel about this...it doesn't matter to us, we will take care of him and do whatever needs to be done. He is our baby and it doesn't matter what his "mental capaticy" is. He is still our son.

As for his heart problems the doctors are saying that they aren't as bad as previously thought. From surgery stand point we aren't even talking about it yet. It is the last thing on the list which is suprising to us since we thought his major problems were his heart boo boo's.

Our major set back is that David's lungs are only about 1/3 the size that they should be. Also the chest cavity is small and they don't know if he even has room for the lungs to maybe grow and expand. He isn't able to breathe on his own and is on a high velocity ventilator. His lungs are a life and death situation the doctors have told us. The doctor has asked us to think about what we want to do, and if we want to keep him on the machines. Lots of questions as to whether we are doing more good for him with the machines, or just prolonging something that is not helping him. They say to really see if his lungs will ever be able to let him breathe on his own it's something that needs to be monitored and maybe in a week we might be able to tell.

We aren't giving up on our son at all. There will be no machines taken off anytime soon. We are going to fight for him and will make sure we have taken every chance for David to survive. We will not give up until we know every resource, every doctor, every medicine, everything possible has been done. God will lead us to the right choice when the time is right.

This is devestating to us. I can't describe the pain me and Chris are in over this majorly unexpected news. We were never prepared for the possibility there would be nothing we could do to keep David alive. So now I need your help...

PLEASE PLEASE pray for David! Send emails, repost this message, do whatever you can to make sure that David gets all the prayers he needs. Prayer is the only hope I have right now and I need everyone to please help David get through this.

Feb. 3rd!

Baby David will officially be here Feb 3rd! My C-Section is scheduled for 8AM that day. I am so nervous, only 25 days left!

Today my mom went with me to tour the NICU at the hospital where I will be having David. The staff was wonderful, and explained everything to me. As soon as I have him they will take him across the hall in the NICU and stabilize him to be transferred to Children's Mercy. Chris will be able to be with him for the whole time, and to come back and forth between me and David to give me updates.

I was also very very happy to hear that they will not leave to the other hospital until I get a chance to see my baby. And Chris can take as many pictures as he wants! I've already given instructions that he CANNOT forget to take tons of pictures the whole time David is at the hospital where I will be. And for my mom to rush and get them developed for me! I need to have his pictures with me :)

The first day David will be at the hospital with me for a couple hours or more, and then transferred. On Day Two I can get a pass to go to the children's hospital for four hours to be with him. Day Three as long as I am stable I can request to be released. Believe me, I won't forget to remind them I need to go!

Next Friday I meet all the doctor's at the children's hospital and tour their NICU. I am feeling so good about my son being taken care of, it really is helping with the stress. They reassured me that he will be comfortable and in no pain. That means a lot.

Question for the Heart Mama's

I know every baby is different, especially with so many different CHD diagnoses...but for those of you who knew at birth of your babies heart defect I have a question.

How long was your baby in the hospital at birth?

And how many of you had C-Sections?

How long was it before you got to see your baby?

I'm getting closer and closer, and even though I shouldn't be stressing about things I can't help it! I need to hear everyone's story so please please share!

Twitter?

I don't know if I need another web site to update lol, but does anyone have Twitter? And do you like it alot? Let me know!

http://twitter.com/nikkiwood

Pictures...