Friday, January 23, 2009

Home Alone...

Today is my first day home alone. My mom has gone to see my brother about 2 hours away, Chris is at work, and for the first time since moving to Kansas City I walked Nadine to the bus stop. I don't know how the day is going to go from here, but I am hopeful I can keep myself together until Chris gets home.

I am numb. I still can't believe my beautiful son is gone. I wake up still thinking it's time to go to the hospital to see him. I just can't grasp the fact he isn't there waiting for Mommy to come see him. It wasn't supposed to be like this, it's not fair and it has me questioning everything about life and well just everything. We were given so much hope that David had problems, but that he would be fine with surgery.

When the doctor's told us about David's lungs, and that his chest cavity was too small to let his lungs grow anymore they had no idea we didn't know. The children's hospital thought we knew so much more than we did and it was devestating when they told us because we were blind to the truth of what was going on. They told us as we stood touching our baby and had to take us into a private room because I was hysterical.

Saying that though, the doctors and nurses were so good to my baby. They tried so hard and treated him so good. I don't know how the nurses can deal with babies dying on a regular basis and still be sane. I thank them from the bottom of my heart for being there with my baby when I couldn't, when I was still in the hospital.

I know David knew we loved him. Everytime I was there he held my finger with such force I couldn't pry it away, and there was no way I would have anyways. And Daddy would rub his chest as it beat so fast from the ventilator, and his little feet would always move. He was letting Daddy and Mommy know he knew we were there.

We are waiting on genetic testing to come back. It is a very strong possibility I will never be able to have another baby. It's too early to even think about it, and I only want David. He was supposed to be here with me...I was never prepared for this. It will kill me if there is something genetic passed on from me that caused all of this. Chris has healthy children so I know it's not him. I've never been able to.

Yesterday was also 11 months since our Alyssa left us. I miss her just as much as David, but the grieving is different. With Alyssa we knew there was nothing to do to save her, she was 22 weeks gestation and just too small. I don't know how to explain it but we knew she wouldn't make it no matter what. We spent the 3 hours we had with her loving her and telling her everything we needed to because we knew her time was limited. David was supposed to be here with us forever...


Lisa said...

I am so sorry that you have to go through this. My heart aches for you. You little David was such a precious and beautiful little boy and I can't imagine what you are going through, but just know that I am praying for you. I pray that God will give you strength, hope and faith to grieve and in time move on day by day. My thoughts are with you as you struggle to make sense of it all.

Lisa (Ohio)

Lee Family said...

Oh Sweetie I am so sorry you are going through this right now in your life. May God give you the strenght to get through this diffacult time in your life. May God bless you in your time of need. My family prayers for you every day that you will overcome your grief in time.
All our love Karen

Michele said...

Nikki, I wish that there was something, even something small, that I could say to help heal your heart. But I know that I can't.

It is almost a year that Nicholas and Sophia went to heaven, and 2 months today that Alexander joined them. A piece of me dies each day that I am not with them, but a piece of them is born with each experience they live through me. If my life on earth becomes their life through those pieces, then I have lived for something. The pain and grief will be worth it.

I know that you wouldnt trade a second of your time with Alyssa or your time with David for all the happiness in the world. We dont know why our children have been chosen to only live a short time, but we know that they now live forever. They have ended the journey that we are still working on. They are safe and happy and loved.

Why does any of this have to happen? It sure isn't fair. Most times, I think God must have mixed my plan up. But each of us has a purpose; our babies had purposes with their lives. They havent only touched us but others too. I trust and hold on to the fact that they completed their journey and were called home to a life of peace and paradise. It still hurts, but I'd die on the outside, too, if I didn't believe it.

Sending you prayers. I'm here if you need or want to talk.

AmandaHoyt said...

Nikki, my heart breaks for you. I'm so sorry you have to go through this.
I'm praying for you.

Tina:0) said...

Nikki -
I just don't know what to say to ease your grief. I'm praying that God gives you strength to get through this & peace in knowing that David is running & playing with Him!


Jenn said...

Just know that there are so many people praying for you and your family. I pray that God will grant you His peace.

Vanessa said...

My heart is just breaking for you. Hearing what you went through with your daughter as well is just heartbreaking. I started pre-term labor at 22 weeks and was very blessed to get to 36 weeks with Arianna but I have NO idea what made me have pre-term labor. The thought of having another child and the possibility of deliverying a preemie is very scary.

I know I cannot tell you I know how you feel but I have lived those scary thoughts in my mind.

Please do not give up hope on having another child if that is what you want. God gives us these children for a reason. I do not know why and sometimes question things but I know he wants us to grow from these challenges.

If there is anything I can do for you please let me know.

Much love,