Today is my first day home alone. My mom has gone to see my brother about 2 hours away, Chris is at work, and for the first time since moving to Kansas City I walked Nadine to the bus stop. I don't know how the day is going to go from here, but I am hopeful I can keep myself together until Chris gets home.
I am numb. I still can't believe my beautiful son is gone. I wake up still thinking it's time to go to the hospital to see him. I just can't grasp the fact he isn't there waiting for Mommy to come see him. It wasn't supposed to be like this, it's not fair and it has me questioning everything about life and well just everything. We were given so much hope that David had problems, but that he would be fine with surgery.
When the doctor's told us about David's lungs, and that his chest cavity was too small to let his lungs grow anymore they had no idea we didn't know. The children's hospital thought we knew so much more than we did and it was devestating when they told us because we were blind to the truth of what was going on. They told us as we stood touching our baby and had to take us into a private room because I was hysterical.
Saying that though, the doctors and nurses were so good to my baby. They tried so hard and treated him so good. I don't know how the nurses can deal with babies dying on a regular basis and still be sane. I thank them from the bottom of my heart for being there with my baby when I couldn't, when I was still in the hospital.
I know David knew we loved him. Everytime I was there he held my finger with such force I couldn't pry it away, and there was no way I would have anyways. And Daddy would rub his chest as it beat so fast from the ventilator, and his little feet would always move. He was letting Daddy and Mommy know he knew we were there.
We are waiting on genetic testing to come back. It is a very strong possibility I will never be able to have another baby. It's too early to even think about it, and I only want David. He was supposed to be here with me...I was never prepared for this. It will kill me if there is something genetic passed on from me that caused all of this. Chris has healthy children so I know it's not him. I've never been able to.
Yesterday was also 11 months since our Alyssa left us. I miss her just as much as David, but the grieving is different. With Alyssa we knew there was nothing to do to save her, she was 22 weeks gestation and just too small. I don't know how to explain it but we knew she wouldn't make it no matter what. We spent the 3 hours we had with her loving her and telling her everything we needed to because we knew her time was limited. David was supposed to be here with us forever...