One Year Ago

This was Chris and I one year ago today. I was so excited to get these pregnancy pictures taken! Even though I was huge and miserable, I still was so hopeful, feeling so blessed that the doctor's were confident they would save David. Even though I was scared and nervous, I knew I would go through anything for my sweet David.

Today, exactly one year later I sit here pregnant again. Scared, and hoping this baby is born without any complications. A very old friend left me a comment saying "I know and I claim that 2010 will be your best year ever Nikki." WOW! That really hit me right in the heart. And with all my heart I will believe that!

As this new year starts, I am more than sad, and more than excited. I am sad thinking that in 13 days it will be David's 1st birthday....and he's not here in my arms to celebrate it. I am excited thinking maybe just maybe Alyssa and David sent Mommy a miracle.

Happy 2010 friends.

Dreaming of how it should be

I can't help but remember last year's Dec. 22nd date. It was the first time we put Nadine on a plane to CA to see her biological mother by court order. My heart broke as I watched her walk down the aisle of the airplane, so grown up and so confident that she was gonna be okay.

To get myself through the pain and missing of Nadine, I thought of how the next Christmas would be. I knew for sure we would celebrate early, but there was no way I wanted Nadine to miss her baby brother's first Christmas. I could imagine taking them to get pictures with Santa, and knew we would be the happiest family you would ever meet. Our David would be over his heart surgeries, and at home proving to us everyday he wasn't going anywhere.

This Christmas I do not allow myself the thoughts of what the next one will bring. In a perfect world I would be busy running around after a 22 month old and an 11 month old. Planning Christmas, shortly followed by a 1st birthday, a 2nd birthday, and a 7th birthday, one each month. I miss my children more than I can ever express. I miss the laughter, the giggles, the crys, the whining, the everything of which I was suppossed to have.

On a happier note I had another ultrasound and the baby is measuring perfect at 10.2 weeks. We saw it waving and moving up a storm!

Thinking of...

So I have been debating in my mind (with myself of course) on where to take this blog. Don't get me wrong, no matter what I choose I will continue to blog. I've always loved to keep a diary, even though I could never keep up with it for more than a couple weeks tops. But I tried and tried through out my life, and now I finally am comfortable with my diary being my blog. Happy faces :)

Now my question is this. Do I continue on this blog with all my new life events? I started this blog the day I found out David's heart was sick :( This blog was always entended to be about David, and his story. I never imagined his story would end so soon.

I feel sometimes as if I should start a new blog, and dedicate it more to my family life. That doesn't mean I wouldn't blog about Alyssa and David. It doesn't mean that I am moving on, or that my healing is "done." It just means that I don't know if I want to invade David's page with my new pregnancy as if me being pregnant has made me forget about either of my babies, because IT HASN'T!!! I am still as devestated and missing my babies as ever.

I also respect the fact that many, many baby loss mama's have a hard time reading about someone else's pregnancy. I felt the sadness many many times before, and still sometimes cringe (even though I am thankful other's have been so blessed) when I go to a page I've seen before and now there is a new baby, or a pregnancy in progress. It saddens me that even in our "exclusive group" of baby loss mama's that we are still divided...into those who have had another baby, and those who haven't.

So I now try and decide. Will you all follow me if I start my blogging journey into this new life?

Nadine's Pep Squad Video GO TIGERS!

Nadine's Pep Squad Video by - MySpace Video

Look at my baby! I was so proud of her, she was concentrating so hard! This was the first time she has ever preformed in front of a crowd, and I think she did great. She is growing up so fast, and everytime I look in her face I see her baby sister and brother. They will live on in her forever.

GO TIGERS!

Pray for the DUGGAR family

I am reposting this from People.com. My heart is so sad, and praying so hard for this baby. It really hits home, I had my gallbladder out when I was 17 weeks pregnant with Alyssa...and we still believe it and the sickness from my gallbladder caused her to be born at 22 weeks. Please pray for Josie!!!

repost...

She arrived earlier than expected, but the 19th Duggar baby is here! Michelle and Jim Bob Duggar welcomed daughter Josie Brooklyn, weighing 1 lb., 6 oz., at 6:27 p.m. Thursday, at the University of Arkansas for Medical Sciences, Arkansas. Michelle, who has been in the hospital recovering from a gallstone, was taken to the OR for an emergency C-section. She is resting comfortably and the baby is stable and in the NICU for extended care, a rep for the network tells PEOPLE exclusively. "The most important thing right now is for mom and baby Josie to get as much rest as possible," reads the statement to PEOPLE. "The family is grateful for all the prayers and well wishes during their recovery."

Christmas is CANCELLED!

Yes my dear readers, I am officially cancelling Christmas in our house. What is Christmas without your kids? What is a house without your family in it to celebrate with? Let me explain to you the 3 ways I am missing my kids ALREADY for Christmas.

Reason #1: Nadine will most likely be in California again this Christmas. Even though her biological "mother" (I use that word lightly) hasn't called her since July (when she was arrestted with Nadine in the car on her first day of summer court ordered visit)...we have very little legally we can do on our own. We have been advised a court date would be months away, and even then the courts don't like to terminate mother's rights EVEN IF THEY AREN'T INVOLVED. As long as she makes the effort to see her on the 3 scheduled times a year, she is a fit parent. Does anyone think of the mental well being of my daughter? That maybe someone who isn't actively involved doesn't deserve to have visitations?

Reason #2: My step-daughter and her boyfriend decided they don't want to bring the grandbaby to spend Christmas with us this year. Even though we have been down there 10+ times this year (2 hours away) and they have only been here last Christmas. We are hurt and disapointed, we want to be with our kids. Chris works day before and after so we can't leave town. I sure will miss my lil butterball grandson chasing me around saying "Nah-Nah!!!" how I love to hear him call me Nana :)

Reason #3: Alyssa and David will spend Christmas in Heaven together. I miss them so much, and this would be David's 1st Christmas. I planned this Christmas out last year as I sat here, on this same couch, pregnant...feeling my baby move inside me as excited as I was.

How I will miss all of my kid's this holiday. How I will miss all my family. Chris and I will spend the holiday alone, together. I can't help but be sad and emotional.

Thankful for what HE has given us

First and foremost I am thankful for the precious time we spent with Alyssa and David. Thankful we were able to hold them close to us, feel their heartbeats against ours. Thankful we were there for every single breathe that Alyssa ever took in this world. Thankful we had 4 days with David, to talk to him, kiss him, and love him.

And second I am thankful for this....