I do manage to get the dishes done everyday. And maybe vacuum every other day. And once in awhile straighten up the living room. But most of the day I just want to stay in bed. I want to sleep the day away so I don't have to deal with anything.
I don't want to be awake, crying about my babies. I don't want to be awake thinking about how I may never ever be able to have my own biological child. I don't want to sit here and stare into space for hours just thinking about David. I think about Alyssa too, but our time with her was so much shorter. I replay every single moment with David, I get mad that I didn't tell the hospital to screw itself I was staying with my baby every minute, I didn't care about their time pass.
I am calling about counseling today. I feel like I am falling apart, loosing my mind. Like I'm going to have a total break down soon. I feel it...
3 comments:
praying for you and your family.
Peace be with you all.
I continue to keep you in my thoughts.
Sweetie, I'm sending prayers your way. Small steps are sometimes the only steps we can take. It's okay to let it out and cry. Peter and I spent hours crying yesterday. Sometimes that is what needs to happen. I found that I had to make myself lists in the early days, to make myself get out of bed. I would tell myself that Peter needed to see that I'd done X, Y, and Z from my list when he got home from work. Sometimes the list was simply "read a chapter from ABC grief book, load dishwasher with last night's dishes, do a load of laundry". But that is what kept me out of bed at least part of the time.
I'm sending you prayers and warm thoughts. I hope your phone call gives you some direction also.
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